Tabun
Pixel Procrastinator
Team Member
Elite (3k+)
   
Posts: 3330
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Sigh, I can't stay behind here, but I'll only post 1:
Q) What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A) Artificial Intelligence!
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| Tabun |
?Morituri Nolumus Mori? |
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OoBeY
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[hijack]
I just watched the movie DW's sig comes from. Very cute. I always thought it was from a horror movie...
[/hijack]
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Demonwench
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*Snigger* Too many people are discovering my horrible secret! I may have to change it...but I'm rather fond of that saying...
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dev/null
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I'm still clueless as to what movie it's from :unsure:
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Demonwench
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A tourist walked into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the
exotica, he noticed a very lifelike, life-size bronze statue of a rat. It
had no price tag, but it was so striking he decided he must have it.
He asked the owner, "How much for the bronze rat?"
"Twelve dollars for the rat. One hundred dollars for the story," replied
the owner.
The tourist gave the man twelve dollars saying, "I'll take the rat. You
can keep the story."
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few
real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and that they were
following him down the street.
This was a bit disconcerting so he began to trot. But, within a couple of
blocks, the herd of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were squealing
loudly as they ran. He ran toward the bay. He looked around and saw that
the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and their squealing was almost
deafening and, they were coming toward him fast.
Scared, he ran to the edge of the bay and threw the bronze rat as far out
into the bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into
the bay after it, and they all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop.
"Aha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?"
"No," said the man. "I came back to see if you have a bronze Republican."
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Demonwench
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Coupla jokes for ya...
A skinny little white guy steps into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black man standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown"
The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him. When the little guy finally comes around, the big guy asks him, "What's wrong with you?"
In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude said, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said "Turn Around."
*****
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a girl a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires!
So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
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Demonwench
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A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr ******, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse! Are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong."
Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"
At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???"
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Lilazzkicker
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LMAO  DW, what would we do with out these little funnies you give us? |
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Demonwench
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A horse and a chicken are walking together around the farm chatting, when they came upon a pool of quicksand. The horse not watching where he's going, gets stuck in the quicksand, and calls for the chicken to help him.
The chicken, being a quick thinker, but not very strong, tells the horse that he'll run and get the farmer's Mercedes. The horse agrees, and the chicken soon comes back, driving the Mercedes. He ties a rope to the back bumper and throws it to the horse, who grabbs it in his teeth, alowing the chicken to slowly pull the horse to safety.
A few weeks later, the horse and chicken are again walking through the farm, chatting, when they came upon the same pool of quicksand. This time the chicken isn't being careful and gets caught. As he starts to sink he calls out to the horse to save him. The horse thinks for a moment, and then backs up to the edge of the quicksand and tells the chicken to grab a hold of his member. The chicken does, and is pulled out of the quicksand and onto dry land.
The moral of the story is this. If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
LOL!!!
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Daedalus
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OMG ROFL..... hehehehe, nice one DW!
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Demonwench
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A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, 'How much for a beer?' The bartender looks at him, and says 'For you, no charge.'
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Dicion
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wow, just call DW the comedy master.... i'm in stitches here.. but i have a link for you people... as soon as i find it  ill post it |
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Demonwench
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An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board,
But unfortunately only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger says "I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA basketball?player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I died". So he takes the first parachute and jumps.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says "I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future President. She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.
The third passenger, George W. Bush, says "I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die". So he takes a parachute and jumps.
The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest I will give you the last parachute".
The boy replies "No problem, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag..."
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dev/null
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A priest and a lawyer are out fishing with a young orphan. They do this regularly, sort of as a Big Brother type thing? The small boat they are using, which belongs to the lawyer, springs a leak and begins to sink. None of the three people can swim and there?s only one life jacket, so the priest graciously looks over at the lawyer and says ?You and I have both had long lives, why don?t we give this young boy a chance to do the same??. The lawyer thinks on this for a moment before calming replying ?F*ck the boy?. The priest seems to be caught off guard by this, but quickly remarks ?Do you think we have time??.
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« Last Edit: 2003-03-04, 03:54 by dev/null »
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Demonwench
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My friend in Australia sent me this one...
A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest
"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar.
Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman sits with her legs slightly spread apart.
The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies;
"No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes."
(for those that don't get the pun. a Fanny over in Australia is not a slang term for a butt, it's the slang term for female genitalia)
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Demonwench
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A hunter went into the woodsand shot at a bear. But after the smoke cleared, the hunter saw the bear wasn't there. A moment later the bear tapped the hunter on the shoulder and said, "No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip our your throat and eat you, or you can drop your trousers and I'll do you in the ass."
The hunter decides that anything was better than death, so he dropped his pants and bent over. After the bear finished, the hunter staggered into town and bough a larger, more powerful rifle. He returnedto the forest, saw the bear, aimed and fired. But once again, when the smoke cleared, the bear wasn't there. A moment later the bear tapped the hunter on the shoulder and said, "you know what you have to do."
Afterward the hunter pulled up his trousers, crawled back into town and bought a bazooka. He returned to the forest, saw the bear, aimed and fired. The force of the blast knocked the hunter flat on his back. When the smoke cleared, the bear was standing over him and said, "Your not doing this just for the hunting, are you?"
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games keeper
Elite
Posts: 1375
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a magical frog is sitting in the middle of a pool.
he never saw an animal in his life but 1 day a rabit chased by a bear runs by.
he makes them stop and says " because you are the frst 2 animals I see in my life you may both do 3 wishes .
the bear goes first and says" I want every bear exept in this woods to be female"
the rabit asks for a helmet .
the bear just doent understand why the rabit asks such a stupid thing.
because if you ask money you can buy as many helmets as you want.
the bear says " I want every bear in this country to be female.
the rabit asks for a bike.
the bear thinks the rabit is crazy but he asks for his 3th wish.
the bear says " I wand every bear in the world exept me to be female"
the rabit starts up the engine, says " I wish the bear next to me was gay" and the rabit drives away .
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« Last Edit: 2003-03-12, 12:34 by games keeper »
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