Once upon a time, there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."

She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work.

Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.
On her way, she passed a small diner and the odour of the baked beans was more than she could stand.

Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.
So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly,
"Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang.
He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned.

He then went to answer the telephone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable,
so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity,
shifted her weight to one leg and let it go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertiliser truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously.
Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped
three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes.

When the telephone farewells signalled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.
She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologising for taking so long, he
asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!



There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a
"Happy Birthday"!!!

Oh, c'mon, Con, that's been done already!

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates." Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols".

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.

Quickly, God was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. God was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.

Then God said, "Let there be light!"

Immediately, the officials demanded to know how the light would be made.

Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a large ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, and that he would obtain a building permit and to conserve energy, He would have the light out half the time. God agreed and offered to call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night". The officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, plant yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit."

The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.

Then God said, "Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth."

The officials pointed out that this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubon Society. Everything was okay until God said the project would be completed in six days.

The officials said it would take at least two hundred days to review the applications and the impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be ten to twelve months before...

At this point, God created Hell.

http://www.ibiblio.org/Dave/Dr-Fun/df20031.../df20031210.jpg

That's just wrong...

One Christmas Season a long, long time ago, Santa as getting ready for his annual trip. . .but he was getting problem after problem, after problem, everywhere.

Four of his elves were taken sick and the trainee elves where nowhere near as fast at producing and packing the toys as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. . .

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her mum was coming to stay for a few days over the Christmas period. . . this stressed Santa even more. . .

When he went to harness the reindeer, Rudolph had a cold and his nose was too sore to work this year, two of the others were pregnant and couldn't take the strain, another had jumped the fence and escaped heaven knows where. . .more stress.

Then he began to load the sleigh, the bottom collapsed under the weight and the toy bag fell to the ground scattering the toys in the snow. . .

Completely frustrated, exhausted and stressed out, Santa thought he'd make himself a nice hot cup of coffee with a drop of brandy to cheer himself up before he began his Christmas night deliveries. . .

When he tried to open the liquor cupboard he found it locked, the only one of the elves that had a key to the cupboard was one of those off sick.

Still stressed he found there was hardly enough coffee to make a weak cup, let alone a strong one as he liked it. . .having made a barely coloured coffee he accidentally over poured the milk and made it weaker and, not very hot. . . on the way to his favourite chair to relax for a while before the off, the doorbell unexpectedly rang making him jump and spilling the whole cup of coffee over his chair, with the seat now too wet to sit on he went cursing to answer the door.

There stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The little angel was full of Christmas spirit and joy and cheerfully said, "Merry Christmas Santa, isn't it a lovely day! I have this beautiful tree for you, isn't it a pretty tree, isn't it just beautiful! Where would you like me to stick it?"



Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the tree!

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except.... and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dildo.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dildo?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big @#%$ deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dildo, the door." The voodoo dildo rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dildo, get back in your box!" The voodoo dildo stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dildo, my vagina." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dildo. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dildo, my vagina!" The voodoo dildo shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dildo was stuck in her vagina, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right.. Voodoo male dildo, my ass!"

An egg walks up to a pot of boiling water and says "You're not going to get me hard to easy because I just got layed."

*sighs* I'm so sorry for reducing the thread to that  :unsure: