Wirehead Studios

Sigh, I can't stay behind here, but I'll only post 1:

Q) What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A) Artificial Intelligence!

[hijack]
I just watched the movie DW's sig comes from. Very cute. I always thought it was from a horror movie...
[/hijack]

*Snigger*  Too many people are discovering my horrible secret!  I may have to change it...but I'm rather fond of that saying...

I'm still clueless as to what movie it's from :unsure:

A tourist walked into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the
exotica, he noticed a very lifelike, life-size bronze statue of a rat. It
had no price tag, but it was so striking he decided he must have it.

He asked the owner, "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Twelve dollars for the rat. One hundred dollars for the story," replied
the owner.

The tourist gave the man twelve dollars saying, "I'll take the rat. You
can keep the story."

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few
real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and that they were
following him down the street.

This was a bit disconcerting so he began to trot. But, within a couple of
blocks, the herd of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were squealing
loudly as they ran. He ran toward the bay. He looked around and saw that
the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and their squealing was almost
deafening and, they were coming toward him fast.

Scared, he ran to the edge of the bay and threw the bronze rat as far out
into the bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into
the bay after it, and they all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop.

"Aha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?"

"No," said the man. "I came back to see if you have a bronze Republican."

Coupla jokes for ya...

A skinny little white guy steps into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black man standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown"

The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor.

The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him. When the little guy finally comes around, the big guy asks him, "What's wrong with you?"
In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude said, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350  pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown."


The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said "Turn Around."

*****

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a girl a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires!
So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.


I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr ******, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse! Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong."

Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"
 

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???"  

***WARNING!  This site may cause cringing and inappropriate laughter***

http://www.madblast.com/view.cfm?type=FunF...sh&display=1662 (http://www.madblast.com/view.cfm?type=FunFlash&display=1662)

LMAO :thumb:  DW, what would we do with out these little funnies you give us?

Here you go DW.

http://www.engrish.com/signs/source/backtobehind.html (http://www.engrish.com/signs/source/backtobehind.html)

Enjoy

A horse and a chicken are walking together around the farm chatting, when they came upon a pool of quicksand. The horse not watching where he's going, gets stuck in the quicksand, and calls for the chicken to help him.

The chicken, being a quick thinker, but not very strong, tells the horse that he'll run and get the farmer's Mercedes. The horse agrees, and the chicken soon comes back, driving the Mercedes. He ties a rope to the back bumper and throws it to the horse, who grabbs it in his teeth, alowing the chicken to slowly pull the horse to safety.

A few weeks later, the horse and chicken are again walking through the farm, chatting, when they came upon the same pool of quicksand. This time the chicken isn't being careful and gets caught. As he starts to sink he calls out to the horse to save him. The horse thinks for a moment, and then backs up to the edge of the quicksand and tells the chicken to grab a hold of his member. The chicken does, and is pulled out of the quicksand and onto dry land.

The moral of the story is this. If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

LOL!!!

OMG ROFL..... hehehehe, nice one DW!

Check here...

http://www.fluffybunnies.com/images/eekstrip3.jpg (http://www.fluffybunnies.com/images/eekstrip3.jpg)

A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, 'How much for a beer?' The bartender looks at him, and says 'For you, no charge.'

wow, just call DW the comedy master....

i'm in stitches here..
but i have a link for you people... as soon as i find it :) ill post it

An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board,

But unfortunately only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger says "I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA basketball?player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I died". So he takes the first parachute and jumps.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says "I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future President. She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.

The third passenger, George W. Bush, says "I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die". So he takes a parachute and jumps.

The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest I will give you the last parachute".

The boy replies "No problem, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag..."

A priest and a lawyer are out fishing with a young orphan. They do this regularly, sort of as a Big Brother type thing? The small boat they are using, which belongs to the lawyer, springs a leak and begins to sink. None of the three people can swim and there?s only one life jacket, so the priest graciously looks over at the lawyer and says ?You and I have both had long lives, why don?t we give this young boy a chance to do the same??. The lawyer thinks on this for a moment before calming replying ?F*ck the boy?. The priest seems to be caught off guard by this, but quickly remarks ?Do you think we have time??.

My friend in Australia sent me this one...

A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest
"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar.
Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman sits with her legs slightly spread apart.
The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies;
"No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes."



(for those that don't get the pun. a Fanny over in Australia is not a slang term for a butt, it's the slang term for female genitalia)

A hunter went into the woodsand shot at a bear. But after the smoke cleared, the hunter saw the bear wasn't there. A moment later the bear tapped the hunter on the shoulder and said, "No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip our your throat and eat you, or you can drop your trousers and I'll do you in the ass."

The hunter decides that anything was better than death, so he dropped his pants and bent over. After the bear finished, the hunter staggered into town and bough a larger, more powerful rifle. He returnedto the forest, saw the bear, aimed and fired. But once again, when the smoke cleared, the bear wasn't there. A moment later the bear tapped the hunter on the shoulder and said, "you know what you have to do."

Afterward the hunter pulled up his trousers, crawled back into town and bought a bazooka. He returned to the forest, saw the bear, aimed and fired. The force of the blast knocked the hunter flat on his back. When the smoke cleared, the bear was standing over him and said, "Your not doing this just for the hunting, are you?"

a magical frog is sitting in the middle of a pool.
he never saw an animal in his life but 1 day a rabit chased by a bear runs by.
he makes them stop and says " because you are the frst 2 animals I see in my life you may both do 3 wishes .
the bear goes first and says" I want every bear exept in this woods to be female"
the rabit asks for a helmet .
the bear just doent understand why the rabit asks such a stupid thing.
because if you ask money you can buy as many helmets as you want.
the bear says " I want every bear in this country to be female.
the rabit asks for a bike.
the bear thinks the rabit is crazy but he asks for his 3th wish.
the bear says " I wand every bear  in the world exept me to be female"

the rabit starts up the engine, says " I wish the bear next to me was gay"  and the rabit drives away .

A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500 So they spent the night together.

In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a cheque for $250 and enclosed a note: Dear Madam, Enclosed find a cheque in the amount of $250.00 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that 1. It had never been occupied. 2. There was plenty of heat 3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home. Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding
the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.
I will expect full payment due immediately or I will be forced to hire someone to remove your furniture.

I had to read that three times to understand what was going on... *shakes his head*  Mammals.  :unsure:  

Welp, this one was always amusing..
A quick explanation behind the names of some of the most popular Baptist churches:
First Baptist
It has been there too long.

Second Baptist
The people didn't like First Baptist.

Third Baptist
The people didn't like First and Second Baptist.

Ana-Baptist
The people didn't like First, Second, Third, Fourth, ... Baptist, and didn't want to call themselves nth Baptist because they want to be the first on the list alphabetically.

Calvary Baptist
The people crucify their pastor regularly.

Community Baptist
It's a social community club.

Conservative Baptist
The people don't talk to strangers.

Cooperative Baptist
They compromise with anybody and anything.

Free Will Baptist
They draft will for everybody for free, but the church must be the primary beneficiary.

Fundamental Baptist
Fund a mental Baptist, nuff said.

Grace Baptist
They say grace at every meal, no exceptions, not even one, and don't you forget it!

Observant
A mother was giving instructions to her children on their way to Sunday school, and to make sure they were listening, she asked: "And, why is it we should be quiet in church?"

Her little girl responded, "Because people are sleeping?"

Hubris perhaps?
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need You. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't You just go on and get lost."

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"

But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"

LMAO!

I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face... This apparently was a real memo sent out by a computer company to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.

Replacement of Mouse Balls
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer!

dear boss.
Me your penis asks a rase with following reasons:
-I'm doing fysivle labor.
-I work in big holes.
-with everething I do I go in with my head first.
-I never have time off in the weekends and holidays.
-I work in a wet enviroment
-I do not get paid when I do more hours
-I work in a dark in a dark enviroment where there is no ventilation.
-I work on high temperatures.
-my work can give me infections and many disseases


the answer of the employer
Dear penis,
after recieving your letter about your rase and after many considering
we (the management ) decided not to give you a rase with following reason.
-You do not work 8 hours a day.
-after short periods a labor you fall asleep.
-you do not always follow orders from the management team.
-you do not always stay at the place we said you had to be.but you also visit other places.
-You do not take initiatif. we have to put pressure on you and you have to be stimulated before you go to work.
on the end of your session you leave your workplace very messy behind.
-you do not keep yourself to the safety description. Like wearing a safetyjacket.
-you retire WAAAY before the age of 65.
-you can almost never do double shifts.
-you sometimes leave your workplace before you did the work of that day.
-and last but not least every time you go in and out of your workplace you're being seen with 2 very supicious round objects.

That's so wrong...

I think laser mice would be a better investment than constantly changing mice balls though. This is why companies need a man like me :P

why?
because you are so small and have such small hands that you can easely change them without using a pincet ?

Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks, again.
My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy's egging me on to try to top the $50.
My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?
Then the woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home!!

I always love your SM sessions DW

Check this little movie out

http://www.legnog.com/music/iol2x/popup.html (http://www.legnog.com/music/iol2x/popup.html)

That annoyed me to no end. Seriously.

Question: Anyway, why are there so many problems in our(U.S.) Government?

Answer:Because it is being run by a Bush, a Dick, and a Colon. :P

Found this at another club I frequent. Thought you all might like a bit of humor in this dark time.

Axis of Evil Wannabees

by John Cleese

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil",
Libya, China and Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis
of Just as Evil", which they said would be more evil than that stupid
Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of
the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis
having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are just as
evil...in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il.
"Everybody knows we're the best evils...best at being evil...we're the
best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded,
although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of
Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar
al-Assad. "An axis can't have more than three countries", explained
Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition.
In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis.
So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly
cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift,
as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious
nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of
geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia announced that they had
formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil", forcing Somalia to join with
Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil", while Bulgaria,
Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really
as Just Generally Disagreeable". With the criteria suddenly expanded
and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and
Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the
Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics".

Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are
Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About
America", while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis
of Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick". "That's not a threat,
really, just something we like to do", said Scottish Executive First
Minister Jack McConnell. While wondering if the other nations of the
world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted
approval for most axis, although he rejected the establishment of the
"Axis of Countries Whose Names End in 'Guay", accusing one of its
members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay,
Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but
privately world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

And certainly the U.S. and England would form the axis of bacon if they had a third pork-barrel country to join them. Maybe when Bush's private war is over there might be some way to put the pigs of the world to work for the rest of us. Not to say I'm breaking out a fur cap and red flag, but a lot of our country's policies have smelled of frying pigfat in the past 20 years or so. I'm still thinking about the horse and chicken joke. Too bad so many of us aren't that hung, me included. The mouseball joke had me thinking of kevlar underwear though. For all the chicks on this site, what's it like to not have to worry about low blows? Or does a jab to the crotch still hurt like hell? Please don't take offense, I don't want to be an imp again.

Little Johnny was at home and seemed to have more energy then usual, he was running around the house breaking everything he touched! So his mother said: "Johnny there is construction going on just across the street, why don't you go and see if you can learn somthing" Little Johnny replied "ok" and took off across the street.  At the time little Johnny came over the workers were in the process of hanging new doors on the house,  so Johnny remembering his mother told him to learn somthing, decides to ask one of the workers how to hang a door, to which the worker replies: "Well first you get the son of a bitch, then of course its too f*cking big! So you gotta shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and pound that god damn thing home! - Johnny now certian that he had learned somthing decided to go home,  when he came in the door his mother asked him if he learned any thing.  Johnny replied "Yes I learned how to hang a door"  and his mother said "Oh! Johnny thats wonderful tell mommy how you do that."  to which Jhonny replies: "Well first you get the son of a bitch, then of course its too f*cking big! So you gotta shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and..." (mother cuts him off) "Johnny! thats enough! you go up stairs this instant I am going to tell your Father about this when he gets home!"
So Johnny not knowing what he did wrong goes up stairs and waits for his father... Then at about 3:00pm his Father arrived at home and Johnny heard him come straight up the stairs,  Johnnys Father says to him. "I heard you got into trouble with mom today" (Johnny says) "All I did was tell her how to hang a door" (Father) "and how do you do that?" (Johnny) "Ok... Well first you get the son of a bitch, then of course its too f*cking big! So you gotta shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and... (Father cuts him off) "Thats it! go to the backyard and get me a switch!" To which Johnny replies "F*ck you! Thats the electritions job!"

- Damn I didn't think this joke was that long  :thud:

Renee Descartes walks into a bar, the bartender says 'sir can I get you a martini 'Descartes says 'I don't think...' and he disappears.

I guess he should've watched his mouth. If he reworded that, he might have still existed long enough to have a drink. I can't remember any good jokes so I'll tell a bad one.
                               Some guy goes into the county courthouse to see somebody. He's told he has to wait so he asks the person at the desk, go get me a blonde. While he's waiting he sits down in a room and sees some red things in a plastic bowl which he thinks are tomatoes and starts eating. The blonde shows up and screams in horror, running away to the bathroom to puke. The guy asked "What the hell is her problem?" then says get me a redhead. He waits awhile, eating the "tomatoes" again and the shapely redhead steps in. She gets sick and pukes, then runs away. "What was that about?" Next he says get me a brunette. He starts eating again and a busty, gorgeous brunette walks in and sees him eating and runs out with a queasy, desparate look. Finally as he's sitting there the mayor( judge, or whoever he needed to see) walks in and yells "Goddamn boy, what the hell are you doing???!!!!" So the man answers I was just sitting here waiting eating these tomatoes.....{cut off quick} "Damnit boy, those ain't tomatoes, those are last week's abortions!!!!!!!!!"

I told you it was bad.  :blink:

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. The Annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education! Struggling to maintain his composure! sure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said. "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

"Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.

"We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

lmao!

where are you coming up with thesE?

http://psi.ellicit.org/cup/ (http://psi.ellicit.org/cup/)

Click here for a free cupholder!

That wasn't nice, my laptop 's CD tray knocked my glass off of the desk :(

DW THE SUBTITLE SAYS
common....make us laugh.....if you can

and sorry to say this but you couldnt this time

*Shrug*  Can't win 'em all.  I thought it was funny.  Hehehehe

true true

Not nearly as good as Tonto Goldstein Bubba I'm affraid. I've got a good one. Three gay men walk into a bar. They order beers and then start talking. The conversation turns to the topic of penis lengths. They decide to see who is the most well hung right now, unzip their pants and jack off. A fourth gay man comes in and sees the other three at the bar, peckers fully erect. The bartender asks gay number four "What can I get you?. He simply answers "I'll just have the buffet." :D

Did you hear about the french Kamakazi pilot who flew 43 missions?

good 1 DW score 8

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English Major. Taking the Major to their headquarters, the French General began to question him.

The French General asked, "Why do you English Officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the Major informed the general that the reason English Officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why from that day until now.. all French Army Officers wear brown pants.

These jokes are great  :lol:

If you want someone willing to make
a fool of himself simply over the joy of
seeing you . . .. . . buy a dog.

If you want someone who will eat
whatever you put in front of him and
never says its not quite as good as his
mother made it . . . . . buy a dog.

If you want someone always willing
to go out, at any hour, for as long and
wherever you want . . . .. . . buy a dog.

If you want someone to scare away
burglars, without a lethal weapon which
terrifies you and endangers the lives of
your family and all the neighbors . . .. . .. buy a
dog.

If you want someone who will never
touch the remote, doesn't give a dam about
football, and can sit next to you as you
watch romantic movies . . . . . . buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content
to get up on your bed just to warm your
feet and whom you can push off if he
snores . . . . . . . buy a dog.

If you want someone who never
criticizes what you do, doesn't care if
you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young
or old, with tits or without, who acts as
if every word you say is especially worthy
of listening to, and loves you unconditionally,
perpetually . . . . . . . buy a dog.

But on the other hand If you want
someone who will never come when you
call, ignores you totally when you come
home, leaves hair all over the place, walks
all over you, runs around all night, only
comes home to eat and sleep, and acts
as if your entire existence is solely to ensure
his happiness . . . . . . ..

Then my friend
Buy a cat.

The cat! You need to earn their respect!

yep thats true . I once had a cat wich you could call and it came home .
you could even led him catch a ball and bring it back .
and a cat you only have to let out and he goes his own way.
a dog is like a baby , you always have to be with him. because .
1)he may not walk alone.
2)he cant go alone for a piss .
3)if you wash them they smell .
4)they make to loud noises and irritate the neigbours .


and by the  way my cat can catch burglars to.
our atleast wake me up to say sombody is in the house .

I've got a damned good cat, too bad he's 17 years old now. The sad thing about cats is they don't always come when you call they're name but if you open a metal can of anything they'll be right behind you. Some cats are worse than others. Same with dogs.

Three guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator.
While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.

The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know...
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...
"Double Income, No Kids, Yet."

The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know...
Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, "
What are you? "

She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, @#%$, Etc."

Never Anger Your Nurse
A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days
in the hospital.

He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed
them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to
do with him.
 
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to
him.
 
She walked into his room and announced, "I have to
take your temperature."
 
After complaining for several minutes, he finally
settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
 
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this
reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
 
This started another round of complaining, but
eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
 
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he
heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you
stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
 
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out.
 
He curses under his breath as he hears people walking
past his door, laughing.
 
After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the
room.
 
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
 
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc?
Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature
taken before?"
 
After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never
with a daffodil!"

Ten signs you're at a bad zoo:

1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you.

2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp.

3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat.

4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk.

5. The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King.

6. The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's Mascot.

7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you.

8. Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the Tigers den.

9. The Elephant appear to be two guys in a two part Elephant suit.

10. Two words: Hippo Dogs!

A preacher is buying a parrot.  "Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.  "Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.  "Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."  "Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"  "I fall off my perch, you idiot!" screeched the parrot.

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"  Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.  As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"  To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

Question: What are mouse pads?
Answer:  Feminine protection for mice!

OH come on...that's been on COmedy Central for weeks now.  We want originality!

It was new to me...

http://home.attbi.com/~bernhard36/honda-ad.html (http://home.attbi.com/~bernhard36/honda-ad.html)

Okay...that's not a joke...but it's still pretty cool

Awesome!

Q: What does Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
A: Their greatist hit was the wall  :D

Okay, the wall one didn't seem to catch anyone's attention, so how about finding out your Prison Bitch Name (http://www.prisonbitchname.com/)?

I'm Famous Anus  :blink:

OOooookay...apparently I'm the Butt Slammer...

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at then and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."


Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.


Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.


A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.


A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why? they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."


A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother, Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close . They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh McTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did, so by proving Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.


Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...what?  A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


And finally, there was a woman who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hopes that at least one of the puns would make the laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

*groan*
good stuff, but....

*groan*

Thor, the Norse God of Thunder, walks into a bar and starts talking to a gorgeous young woman he'd taken home for a steamy encounter the previous week.

He realizes that the last time they were together he forgot to give her his name, so he says, 'By the way, I'm Mighty Thor.'

The woman replies, "You think _you're_ thor?!? I couldn't walk thtraight for thix dayth."

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA's response was just one sentence, "Thaw the chicken." :P

pho: bwahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!! :D

There was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).
Anyway, he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him:
"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
And this poor quaking little monkey replied:
"You are of course, no one is mightier than you."
A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer:
"Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice:
"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says:
"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed."

Sipping Vodka

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

> In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a
> > >tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was
> her
> > >turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow
> her
> > >leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
> > >
> > >Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
> reached
> > >behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give
> her
> > >enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to
> discover
> > >that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again
> reached
> > >behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time
> > >attempted the step.
> > >
> > >Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a
> little
> > >smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more
> and
> > >again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who
> was
> > >standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her
> gently
> > >on the step of the bus.
> > >
> > >She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
> "How
> > >dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
> > >The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree
with
> > >you,
> > >but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was
> friends."

There's a pediatrician, a lawyer and a priest on the Titanic as it's going down.
The pediatrician shouts, "Save the children!"
The lawyer yells, "Screw the children!"
The priest inquires, "Do we have time?"

this joke is already posted but a bit diffirent

At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.

Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

:lol:

Nice play on words. :)

Back to the horse and buggy days for this one.

A man is driving his wagon back home and reaches the church just in time for all the wheels to fall off at once. Exasperated and pissed he yells, "GODDAMN." The preacher happened to be at his doorstep and said, "Now now son, you should always say God Bless."
The next Sunday afternoon the man drives by again and all four wheels fall off again. Out comes, GODDA... uhh God Bless. Suddenly the wheels shake a little and the wagon lifts up as the wheels pop back on by themselves. The pastor saw this and said in amazement, "GODDAMN!!!!!" :)

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.
She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"
The red head says, "Oh sure, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air"
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

Good one. I wish I knew a lot more that good. :D

This was posted in the #quakecon channel on etg mirc

READ BEFORE YOU LISTEN TO AUDIO!
A young husband called up the DJ, asking him to play this prank on his wife for fun. The couple had just bought a new house and had a new baby. This is a recording of the radio DJ pretending to be the husband's boss, calling to apologize to the wife for firing the husband at this bad time.

http://www.thefunnypage.com/phonecall/Radi...llgonewrong.mp3 (http://www.thefunnypage.com/phonecall/Radiocallgonewrong.mp3)

Q: Why are there fences around cemeteries?
A: Because everyone?s dieing to get in!

/me looks at a train crossing ?It looks like the train already passed through here, see, it left it?s tracks!? :P

Also, I just gave you all cooties (http://www.smileygram.com/cootiedance.com/)!  :lol:

Jesus walks into a hotel and hands the inn keeper three nails and asks if he will put him up for the night  :D

EDIT: Yeah, my jokes need rephrased before they can be considered funny, so sue me!

an irishman walks out of a bar...........................................................................................................................................................................no thats it.

hahahah....sigh no one even looked at my joke?!

A man noticed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her cart.

As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no.

The little girl immediately began to have a conniption fit, and the mother said quietly, "Now Missy, we just have half of the aisles left to go through, don't be upset. It won't be long."

In the candy aisle, the little girl began to shout for treats.

When mom said she couldn't have any, she began to kick her mother and scream. The mother said softly, "There, there, Missy, don't cry, only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little brat immediately began to reach for the gum and freaked out when her mom said she couldn't have any.

The mother patiently said, "Missy, we'll be through this checkout stand in five minutes and then you can go home and have a bottle and a nice snooze."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Missy," he said.

The mother sighed and replied, "Oh, no, my little girl's name is Francine.......I'm Missy."

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park
bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. In fact, he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact,there's no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

Dunno if y'all saw this one yet...but it's cute so I thought I'd share.

http://www.shagrat.net/Html/cows.htm (http://www.shagrat.net/Html/cows.htm)

Two teenaged boys are sitting around, one looks at the other and asks ?You want to get laid??. The perplexed young man pauses for a moment then replies ??Yeah?, after which the first speaker replies ?Well then crawl up a chicken?s ass and wait!?

Q: What are the three branches of the government?
A: Corporate, Hollywood, and Military.

Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A: Two scoops of ice cream, 7 UP, and a dead baby.

Q: What does a baby and a grape have in common?
A: They both give a little whine when you squeeze them.

Q: How do you fit one-hundred babies into a jar?
A: Blender

Q: How do you get them back out?
A: Nachos!

/me resists the urge to go on with the dead baby jokes?

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders,using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say:


"Red............cherry,""Yellow.........lemon,""Green..........lime, "Orange........orange."

"Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he said"I'll give you all a clue, It's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little
girl looked up in horror, spit her's out and yelled:Oh My God!!!!They're assholes!"

lmao  :lol:

C:\dos
C:\dos\run
C:\dos\runs\slow
C:\run\dos\run

In the Cherokee tribe, "Onestone" was his Indian name because he had only one testicle.

After years and years of this torment Onestone cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him Onestone any more.

Then one day a young woman forgot and said, "Good morning Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest, there he shagged her all day, he shagged her all night, he shagged her all next day, until she died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone
meant business.

Years went by until a woman returned to the village after many away. She was overjoyed when she saw onestone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you Onestone."

Once again, Onestone grabbed the woman and took her deep into the forest where he shagged her all day, shagged her all night, shagged her all the next day, shagged her all the next night, but she wouldn't die!

What is the moral of the story?

You can't kill two birds with one stone.

I resent the comparrison of a bird to a human female!  And killing birds at that, I've always hated that expression.  Phoenix is insulted.  Hmph!

Q:  What was the last thing that went through Uday and Qusay Hussein's minds when they died?

A:  55 grains.  :D

Snigger...that was remarkably quick!  They've been dead for how long now and they already have jokes about them...

They?  I made that one up myself! :P

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife ...



"F**k off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal, evil thing I could do to him."


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

Men know they're not going to understand women. They'll never understand how we can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto our upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and
still be afraid of a spider.

And finally, This is too cute not to pass on...

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

Confused, she says, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
"You see, it's like this," he replies, "yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper.." he paused for impact, "So..... I figure if I have to roll my own ....... so does she."

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.

He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place.

At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman and says, "I'm sorry, I  guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

Ok a penguin lives in Miami, his car breaks down in the summer so he takes it to a mechanic. Mechanic says check back in an hour.

The pengiuin goes down town and it is soo hot so he buys him self and ice cream. He orders a vanilla cone and starts to hed back to the mechanic. But Since he waddles akwardly, the ice cream ends up mostly on his face.

When he gets bac the mechanic walks over and informs him "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin frantically responds "No i swear its just ice cream."

Good ones.  I've heard the penguin joke before.  It's a classic. ;)

lol!  :thud:

This pic says it all...

http://chadnicholls.net/forums/uploads/pos...stand_irony.jpg (http://chadnicholls.net/forums/uploads/post-15-13297-why_americans_don_t_understand_irony.jpg)
(http://chadnicholls.net/forums/uploads/post-15-13297-why_americans_don_t_understand_irony.jpg)

You know, a clever person could use that to never have to pay for a membership.  Just Run up the down escalator, then box with the people trying to be lazy and use it to go downhill.  Two workouts in one, and both free! :D

lol that's what i call a fittnes center :)

http://www.skippyslist.com/ (http://www.skippyslist.com/)

Some of those are silly, some are really funny, some are odd...but still amusing to read.  '-)

"My name is not a killing word"

But Muad'Dib made it look so easy  :P

Hewhehe.  Yeah, I liked that one...

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.

They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.

"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."

The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies.

hehe

A farmer was riding his horse along the side of the road on the way home from working in the fields, when he spotted a bullfrog frog half baked, lying in the sun up ahead.  Taking pity on the poor critter, he picked him up, carried him aways to the small pond at the edge of his property, and put him in the water.  The frog opened it's eyes, and looked up at the man and to his amazement, spoke to him.

"For your act of kindness, I have the power to grant you three wishes.  Whatever it is your heart desires, ask and it shall be, for I am no ordinary frog, but the spirit of this land."

Amazed, the old farmer thought long and hard about what would please him most, then he said.  "Alright.  First, I'd like enough money so that me and me wife can live without worry to the end of our days.  The frog said "Done!"  The man said "Second, I'd like me and my wife to be young again, like in our twenties, so we can live for happier times that we've missed by spending all these long years toiling in the fields here.  The frog again said "Done!"  Last, the farmer thought, "You know, I'd like to be as well endowed as my horse back there in the, well, you know... department."  The frog said "Done!  Again, I thank you for your kindness, now go home.  When you arise tomorrow your wishes will be granted," and he hopped away, never to be seen again.

The farmer went home to his wife, and tried to not show his excitement all that night.  When they awoke in the morning, to his wife's amazement they were both as if they were twenty years old again.  The cedar chest at the foot of their bed was overflowing with gold and jewels instead of moth-eaten blankets.  Excited about this, the farmer remembered his third wish and went off into the bathroom to have a look at his new manhood.  He stood in front of the mirror, closed his eyes, dropped his drawers, and when he opened them again, exclaimed:  "OH SHIT!  I RODE THE MARE!!!"

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds
one cold winter Evening.

They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating
there that night.

Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order With no hesitation and then paid for their meal.

The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.

There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.

He placed one half in front of the little old lady.
Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in Two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of her.

He took a sip of the drink, and then she took a sip as
The man began to eat his few bites. Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were thinking. "That poor old couple." As the old man began to eat his French fries, one young man stood and came over to the old
couples' table.

He politely offered to buy another meal. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a thing... She just sat there watching him eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat.

This time, the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.

After being politely refused again, he finally asked the Little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered, ...

"The teeth."

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .......

"HEBREWS"

Ok.. I',m new in the joke corner. And for a start I present you this:
http://www.astercity.net/~tobik/pingpong.html (http://www.astercity.net/~tobik/pingpong.html)

A young businessman was traveling cross country for his job via his overpriced luxury car, when he became thirsty in the hot summer weather.  At the next small, podunk town he found a tiny grocery store.  He pulled into a spot out in front.  As he was pulling in, a giant truck pulled in next to him at the same time.  Out steps this giant, sterotypical redneck, complete with scruffy beard, mullet, racecar cap, flannel shirt (in summer), worn spot on said shirt where the steering wheel rubs on,  and gernally dusty appearance.  The redneck's truck was on giant wheels, had a gun rack in the backseat with two rifles, and racecar stickers all over the place.

Feeling a little out of place, the businessman lets the redneck go first as they head to the tiny shop.  When they reached the door, another vehicle pulls in.  This time it's a brand new jeep.  The tires are big, the car's shiney as if it'd been waxed multiple times, and there was no top.  The driver stepped out of the jeep and the businessman and the redneck stared.  The driver was a lovely young woman, blonde and tanned, wearing only a halter top and biker shorts.

Both the redneck and the businessman open the doors for the lady.  The businessman looks up and notices that the redneck is there too, and he feels a connection.  They were both men.  When the lady was out of earshot, the businessman said, "Wow..."

The redneck grinned and said, "I know.  Those are Eagle Tires!"


This is actually a true story...experienced by my professor.

Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's penis.

In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate. Even before she has begun to remove her veils: *Ting-a-ling* goes the little bell...

"Oh Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your complete lack of self-control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness."

As Patrick leaves, the dancer then continues, slowly dancing around the second candidate and peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops: *Ting-a-ling* goes the bell...

"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness."

The dancer then proceeds to dance her sensuous dance around the third candidate. Slowly around him she dances, now devoid of all of her veils, but the third candidate remains unmoved.

"James, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a great priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the shower."

*Ting-a-ling* goes the bell...

Naughty!

http://www.ibiblio.org/Dave/Dr-Fun/df20030.../df20030604.jpg (http://www.ibiblio.org/Dave/Dr-Fun/df200306/df20030604.jpg)

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http://www.ibiblio.org/Dave/Dr-Fun/df20030.../df20030219.jpg (http://www.ibiblio.org/Dave/Dr-Fun/df200302/df20030219.jpg)

Last one for now...

After hours of an operations, the doctor comes out to speak to patient's husband.

-  Well sir.. I have some good news for start. Your wife made it, she is alive.

The husband is obviousley happy.

- Ok, says the doctor, I still have to inform you on couple of things.
   First of all that was not the only operation that is necessary. Your wife need
   to have a very sophisticated operation in a highly specialistic clinic. This will
   not be refunded in anyway  This will cost about $25 000. But that's not all.
   Your wife needs a long lasting, probably  till the end of her days,    
   rehabilitation in very specific conditions.  Of course that is also not
   refundable. Monthy cost would be about $500. Also your wife, as a
    a disabled person, will be needing special equipment and expensive
    medicine. That would be about  $450 per month. Of  course it's not
   refundable as well.

They're both looking at each other in silence, then the doctor says:

- Oh,  I'm just joking. She is dead.

http://www.ibiblio.org/Dave/Dr-Fun/df20020.../df20020422.jpg (http://www.ibiblio.org/Dave/Dr-Fun/df200204/df20020422.jpg)
http://www.ibiblio.org/Dave/Dr-Fun/df20020.../df20020221.jpg (http://www.ibiblio.org/Dave/Dr-Fun/df200202/df20020221.jpg)
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LOL.... I was never good at that game =x

http://www.bash.org/ (http://www.bash.org/)  :lol:

That didn't show up on my comp.  What is?

It's some site full of IM quotes. You can submit your own and such... There's some pretty funny stuff on there:


One of many... Of course, most of them are quite a bit shorter  :thumb:

Q: What do you get when you mix a penguin with a nun?
A: A computer that won't go down on you.

That probably isn't nearly as funny as I thought it was when I first heard it  :rolleyes:

A fire fighter is polishing a fire engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The little girl is wearing a fire
fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look, "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied one wagon leash to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you
were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster."
The little girl pauses for a moment to think, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks up into the fireman's eyes and says...

"You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren, would I?"

oh my.....  :D

dev:  I have to wonder about the mind of the person who thought up the replacement scheme there.  Naughty naughty naughty!  Although I think a certain 3D Realms character would be very amused.

Demonwench:  I've heard that one before, but it's a good one.

lo wang  :huh:

Three doctors are at lunch when the one doctor brings up the easiest surgery he's ever done.

Dr.#1 'Ya know, I just did an operation on an accountant and, man, was it easy. I opened him up and everthing was in numerical order, completely in balance!'

Dr.#2 chimes in 'Oh, I can top that. Electricans are the best to operate on, everything is color coordinated.'

Dr.#3 laughs and says 'I have both of you beat. The easiest operation is on a Frenchman.  There are no guts, no spine, no balls and if you ever get confused...the head and ass are interchangable.'

French President Jaques Chirac, tired of all of the anti-french jokes, since the start of the United States lead invasion of Iraq, has announced with great national pride that the super secret French Space Agency will send the first manned mission of three French astronauts to land, and walk on the Sun. President Chirac stated " This mission will be of historic important to the world, and restore France's rightful place in the history of the world" NASSA space scientist's, stunned at the news, asked Mr. Chirca what technology they had developed to keep the astronauts from burning up long before they reached the Sun? The French President sniffed and replied " Don't be stupid, we are going at night".

John appeared on the Irish version of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and towards the end of the programme had already won $500,000.

"You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter, "but for $1 million you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?"

"Sure," said John. "I'll have a go!"

"OK. The question is: which of the following birds does NOT build it's own nest? (a) Robin, (B) Sparrow, © cuckoo, or (d) thrush."

"I haven't got a clue," said John, "so I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Ballygoon."

John called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Fookin hell, John!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure, Paddy?" asked John. "I'm fookin sure."

John hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked the host.

"Dat it is, Sir."

There was a long, long pause, then the presenter sreamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! John, you've won $1 million!"

The next night, John invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did you know it was the cuckoo that doesn't build it's own nest? I mean you know fook-all about birds."

"For fooks sake!" laughed Paddy. "Everybody knows a fookin cuckoo lives in a clock!"

Now now, GK, this is Joke Corner!  Not Controversy Corner!  No Bush bashing unless it's in the form of a joke!

Exactly.. All Off-topic posts have been deleted... We dont want that stuff in here
Take it to the correct area.

Thank you, and have a nice day.

Been awhile since I've done one of these...

There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation.

The first doctor said: "We'll just take a big hunk off the end."
They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.

The second doctor said: "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed this, and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.

The third doctor said: "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it."
They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him erection problems.

The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks.
The nurse cried: "Can't we just make his legs longer?"

After much competition,a very talented  magician had just obtained a job performing on a luxury cruise ship. Each night his pet parrot interrupted and spoiled his  performance by saying "It's up his sleeve", "It's in his pocket" "It's in his shoe", etc, etc. One night while performing the act, the ship's boiler blew up and the ship sank. The fortunate magician was able to grab onto one of the ship's planks, and along with his parrot, floated on the sea. The first few days that the wood drifted, the parrot just starred at the magician looking puzzled. On the 4th day the bewildered parrot looked at his master and said "I give up, what did you do with the ship?"

rofl angst!

/me dies pho!

Aright.. time to break out the Confucius-style..

BEHOLD:

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.

Confucious say it take square ass to shit a brick.

To make egg roll, push it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

People who make Confucius joke speak bad English.

Got this email from a friend of mine today.  All these bloody viruses...hitting us poor folk...

> The code name is "WORK".   If you receive "WORK", from your colleagues,
> your boss, via e-mail or anyone else, do not touch "WORK" under any
> Circumstances.
>
> This virus wipes out your private life Completely.
>
> If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two good
> friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order three drinks and after
> repeating 14 times, you will find that "WORK" has been completely
> deleted from your brain.
>
>  Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends. Should
> you realize that you do not have five friends, this means that you are
> already infected by this virus and "WORK" already controls your whole
> life. If this is the case, stay in the bar until you make at least five
> friends, and then retry.

Wow, I'm doomed. Not only do I not have any friends, but I'm too young to go to bars (not as if I'd want to anyway)  :rolleyes:

Of course, it's not as if I work either, so maybe that balances it out? Perhaps procrastination does have a good side...

Oh, just wait til you go to college. College has a way of corrupting your views on things. *evil grin*

Some of you have already heard this one....some of you haven't.

A penguin is driving his car when suddenly it breaks down. He pulls over to the nearby mechanic shop to get it fixed. He asks the mechanic how long it will take to get it fixed b/c he was in a hurry. The mechanic told him to come back in an hour or so. Not having anything else to do, the penguin went across the street to the dairy shop to get an ice cream cone b/c he really loved vanilla ice cream. Well, as you may already know, penguins only have flippers and nothing really to grasp onto objects real well w/. So as he's eating his ice cream cone, he's making a huge mess getting it all over his hands and face b/c he obviously is having a hard time holding onto it. Noticing the time he rushed back across the street not having time to clean up. He asked the mechanic what was wrong and to which the mechanic replied, "I think you blew a seal."

Nope, I'm far too antisocial to be corrupted :P

Poor penguin... It's still worth a smirk though

Yep, I posted a similar joke not too long ago.  You forgot the part where the penguin says frantically, "No no, it's just ice cream!"

My next joke!

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before
the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.



(P = Problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = Solution and action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200
feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Those are fantastic!  *Thanks Demonwench*

hehe, good joke that set, my dad has a few others like it

*snicker* very nice :P

What's cuter than a zombie baby?
A zombie baby with a bunny head in its mouth.

NICE! I liked the midget one. I was bored at work and just sat there laughing b/c we have nothing to do. haha.

A man holding a parrot came running and screaming into a veterinarian's office. The vet immediately brought him into an examining room. The vet carefully examined the parrot, and then said to the man, "I'm sorry, but this bird is dead." The man began to cry, "No! No! That can't be true! I want another opinion." The vet thought a second, then said, "okay," and left for the back office. He returned with a Black Labrador retriever. The Black Lab sniffed and sniffed the bird, finally letting out a low "woof" sound and looking up at the vet. The vet said to the man, "The dog thinks that the bird is dead too."

The man said, "I don't believe it! I want another opinion!" The vet then left with the Black Lab and came back with a cat. He placed the cat on the examination table. The cat walked over to the bird and sniffed and nudged it again and again. Finally, the cat shrugged its shoulders and walked away from the bird. The vet said, "The cat thinks it's dead too." The man sighed and said, "I guess you're right. How much do I owe you?"

The vet said, "That will be $600.00." The horrified man said, "Six hundred bucks! Just to tell me my bird is dead? That's ridiculous! That's outrageous! The vet then said, "Well, I was going to charge you $50.00, but then I had to include the Lab fees and CAT scan

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady became furious and stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

At this point the lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apoligized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said,"Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

True Story:

Parrot gets Draft Letter from Selective Service

AP
21-MAY-98

WRIGHT TOWNSHIP, Pa. (AP) In its endless search for a few good men, Uncle Sam is ordering one Sam Garmize to register for the draft -- or face prosecution.

But there's something the military brass ought to know: Sam is a parrot.

"They probably wouldn't want him because he only has four toes, green hair and no teeth," said Sharon Garmize, owner of the blue crown mealy amazon parrot who received the letter from the Selective Service on Monday.

The Selective Service bases its mailings on lists of graduating high school seniors obtained from commercial vendors, spokesman Larry Waltman said.

"Sometimes we get a dog. Sometimes we get a cat," he said. "This time we got a parrot."

Ms. Garmize suspects a friend or co-worker listed Sam and two dogs as members of the family on a survey several years back. Since then, Visa has offered him a credit card with a $2,000 limit. A tuxedo shop has offered a nice deal just in time for the prom. A student foreign exchange program has asked him to study abroad.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And you think it's odd that a phoenix can type. ;)

hah!

A REAL KEEPER!

ARIZONA DRIVERS: An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into.  She was hysterical as she explained her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm.  An officer is on the way."  A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard," he said.  "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
_______________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.  One night the 96 year old draws a bath.  She puts her foot in and pauses.  She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"  The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know.  I'll come up and see."  She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"  The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.  She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful."  She knocks on wood for good measure.  She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
_______________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.  One remarked to the other, "Windy isn't it?"  "No," the second man replied, "its Thursday."  And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_______________________________________
Super-Sex

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.  As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."  She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.  Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."  He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_______________________________________
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."  Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.  A few moments later, she said: "Then you used to kiss me."  Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.  Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."  Angrily, he threw back the covers and got out of bed.  "Where are you going?" she asked.  "To get my teeth!"
_______________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.  She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"  An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"  Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_______________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.  Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.  One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.  I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.  Please tell me what your name is."  Her friend glared at her.  For at least three minutes, she just stared and glared at her.  Finally, she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
______________________________________ _
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car, it's hundreds of them

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."  So  next Sunday he took
the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the  sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.He proceeded to talk up a storm.  
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1.  Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2.  There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3.  There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4.  Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5.  Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6.  We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7.  The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the spook.
8.  David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9.  When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body."  He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.

:)

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Letter to a Redneck Son:

Dearest Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.  We don't live where we did when you left home.  Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.  I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when  they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice.  It even has a washing machine.  I'm not sure it works so well, though.  Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain.  We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here.  It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday.  We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.  The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week.  Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned.  We had him cremated; he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck.  Butch was driving.  He rolled down the window and swam to safety.  Your other two friends were in the back.  They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time.  Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,

Mom

hah :D

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Damn, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You'd be drinking fast too if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."

A burglar breaks into a house at 3:00 in the morning.  He's busy nosing around, grabbing valuables when he hears a cough behind him, followed by the hammer being cocked on a revolver.  A woman's voice breaks the accompanying silence.

"Now sonny, I'm going to give you two choices here.  Either you marry me, or I shoot you."

Considering the options, the theif says "Ok, sure, whatever, just don't hurt me!"  The lady squeals with glee and turns the light on to get a better look at her would-be husband.  The theif takes one look at her and says, "Oh God, PLEASE SHOOT ME!"

The moral of this story?  Be sure to keep tabs on the whereabouts of your relatives so that you don't do what this guy did and break into your own mother's house.

hahahaha!

Onions and Christmas Trees.


A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kinds of boobs?"

Suprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't...there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's age--In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.  In here thirties to forties, they are like pears , still nice but hanging a bit.  After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions, Dad?"

"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry..."

Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?"

The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases.  In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard.  In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.  After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yea, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration."

haha, burn :P

A guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man to go with it. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. And after awhile, another guy at the bar notices:

?Hey, what's that??

?A twelve-inch pianist. I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, and I got a twelve inch pianist.?

?Can I try?? The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room.

?Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!?

?Did you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist??

edit:
Q: What do the men in a singles bar have in common?
A: They're all married.
/edit

had to add that :D

Old story my grandfather was fond of telling, as he was directly involved. :P

He was leading a field course for an archaeology class into the Columbian jungles. And later on during the expedition, their guide (who doubled as the camp cook) made them a chicken dinner every other night. Now, as they had been deep in the jungle, it was curious as to where he could find chicken, and when they asked, he simply said "I know where dey are" with a fairly thick accent. After hearing that answer, they figured out that he must head out and visit one of the local villages during the day while they were hiking and trade or purchase the supplies for dinner.

One day, they group came back early, and they happened upon the guide holding a large lizard by the tail. Gramps just looked at him and said "what in the HELL is that?" to which their guide replied: "It's chikee boss!"

A gentleman attends an auction and notices that one of the items for sale is a large, colorful macaw, and he decides that he'd like to own it.  When the bird comes up for sale, the auctioneer asks, "how much am I bid for this parrot?" and the fellow opens bidding with "Seven hundred dollars".  "Eight hundred!" "Eight-Fifty!!" "Nine-Fifty!" go the next several bids, and the gentleman bids "One thousand dollars!"  Bidding goes this way for several minutes until the fellow finds himself the proud owner of a parrot for $1200. He approached the auctioneer and asked him "can the bird talk?" to which the auctioneer replied "Who do you think was bidding against you?"

did ya ever have chicken for lunch?
and then have it for dinner?
and wonder if they knew each other?
 :D





new roach spray on the market.
it doesn't kill them,
it just fills there head with self dought and makes
them wonder if they're in the right house.
 :rolleyes:

lame.. those are george carlin clips.. and i even know where you ripped it from!
He used those 2 jokes on the tonight show a little while ago :P

dial 1-800-whaa
 :hat:

one day I thought to myself Farmers realy have it good.
so I desided to start a chicken farm.
I got a mess of chickens and off I went to start a farm.
the first year all my chicken died.
so I got a whole bunch more.
the second year my chickens die again.
this year I think I got it all figured out.
I'm either planting them too deep or too close together.

All these chicken jokes...  don't seem like poultry in motion to me.  :omfg:

owwww... pun..  :thud:

billybob n jimbob had been pig farmers for pret neer 20 years,
But they'd never won at the county fair.
One day billybob looked at jimbob and said we're gonna win that
blue ribbon this year and send that liddle girl sissy home acryin.
so billybob went out and he put a cork in the pigs butt and they
proceeded to feed that pig everything they could find.
time came for the county fair and that pig was pert neer a ton.
so they loaded him up on the tractor trailor and headed of to the fair.
sure enough the judges had never seen a pig that big in there lives.
they won the blue ribbon and took there pig home.
then billybob looked at jimbob and said we gotta pull the cork out.
jimbob looked at billybob and said no fricken way I aint pullin that thing out.
so billybob got another idea, he went down to the pet store and got him
one of those orgin grinder monkeys and procceded to teach him to pull
corks outa jugs with bananas in them.
well the day came when they thought the monkey was ready.
so they took him out to the pig pen and showed hit to the pen gate.
sure enough he lit off towards the pig and grabbed the cork and
gave it a big yank.
billtbob and jimbob woke up all covered in you know what and
knocked silly.
they looked at each other and billybob asked jimbob what the hell
happened all I remeber is shit flyin everyware.
jimbob says
all i remeber is that poor little monkey try'n to get the cork back in.

 :blink:   Nobody... EVER... criticize me for windshield-plastering again...

OMG  :thud:

O.o peyeeeeeew!  :thud:

A serious article, but it fits better here than in a new topic :P

http://www.iol.co.za/index.php?sf=29&click...64V325&set_id=1 (http://www.iol.co.za/index.php?sf=29&click_id=29&art_id=qw939307501764V325&set_id=1)

Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly naked."

Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

Frank Perdue's line: "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

Bacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name "Pavian" to suggest French chic... However, "pavian" means "baboon" in German.

A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the $hit stick.

When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan "finger lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is f - which in German is the guttural equivalent of sexual intercourse.

Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, "Avoid Embarrassment - Use Quink" into Spanish as "Evite Embarazos - Use Quink"...which also means, "Avoid Pregnancy - Use Quink."

When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese translated as: "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."

Chinese translation proved almost as difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasn't until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with "ko-kou-ko-le" which translates roughly to the much more appropriate "happiness in the mouth."

Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English weren't too fond of the name either, as it's a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual individual.

The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means "it doesn't go" in Spanish.

Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that "Pinto" is Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with "Corcel" which means horse.

When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside since most people can't read.

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon Little Johnny, knowing that sometimes he could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period." reported Johnny.

"I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

hahaha! classic! :D

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded with an unanimous "yes." The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty Space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff.

If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups.

Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

Sick and wrong...I'm sure some of you lot will like these.

www.happytreefriends.com
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php?id=92330 (http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php?id=92330)
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php?id=94996 (http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php?id=94996)
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php?id=97128 (http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php?id=97128)
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php?id=102517 (http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php?id=102517)
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php?id=123073 (http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php?id=123073)

In answer to your joke, DW, I might offer this counter point to the professer:

If you fill up the container with beer first you won't HAVE a life.  No matter what, your balls should always come first! ^_^

*baddum KSSSHHH!!* silly pho :P

And I can't watch happy tree friends in school :P

Once upon a time, there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."

She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work.

Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.
On her way, she passed a small diner and the odour of the baked beans was more than she could stand.

Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.
So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly,
"Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang.
He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned.

He then went to answer the telephone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable,
so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity,
shifted her weight to one leg and let it go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertiliser truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously.
Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped
three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes.

When the telephone farewells signalled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.
She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologising for taking so long, he
asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!



There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a
"Happy Birthday"!!!

Q: What's the only thing that can stop Superman?
A: Stairs
 :D

http://www.ibiblio.org/Dave/Dr-Fun/latest.jpg (http://www.ibiblio.org/Dave/Dr-Fun/latest.jpg)

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.  The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question..."

Oh, c'mon, Con, that's been done already!

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates." Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols".

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

"I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." And no matter how the farmer protested, Kenny remained adamant that he could sell the donkey.

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.

Quickly, God was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. God was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.

Then God said, "Let there be light!"

Immediately, the officials demanded to know how the light would be made.

Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a large ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, and that he would obtain a building permit and to conserve energy, He would have the light out half the time. God agreed and offered to call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night". The officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, plant yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit."

The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.

Then God said, "Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth."

The officials pointed out that this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubon Society. Everything was okay until God said the project would be completed in six days.

The officials said it would take at least two hundred days to review the applications and the impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be ten to twelve months before...

At this point, God created Hell.

hehe good one!

http://www.ibiblio.org/Dave/Dr-Fun/df20031.../df20031210.jpg (http://www.ibiblio.org/Dave/Dr-Fun/df200312/df20031210.jpg)

That's just wrong...

http://www.megatokyo.com/index.php?strip_id=9 (http://www.megatokyo.com/index.php?strip_id=9)

 A 3-way interspecies bird orgy???    :blink:

Just when I think I've heard it all ... DW posts sth like that. *blinks*

One Christmas Season a long, long time ago, Santa as getting ready for his annual trip. . .but he was getting problem after problem, after problem, everywhere.

Four of his elves were taken sick and the trainee elves where nowhere near as fast at producing and packing the toys as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. . .

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her mum was coming to stay for a few days over the Christmas period. . . this stressed Santa even more. . .

When he went to harness the reindeer, Rudolph had a cold and his nose was too sore to work this year, two of the others were pregnant and couldn't take the strain, another had jumped the fence and escaped heaven knows where. . .more stress.

Then he began to load the sleigh, the bottom collapsed under the weight and the toy bag fell to the ground scattering the toys in the snow. . .

Completely frustrated, exhausted and stressed out, Santa thought he'd make himself a nice hot cup of coffee with a drop of brandy to cheer himself up before he began his Christmas night deliveries. . .

When he tried to open the liquor cupboard he found it locked, the only one of the elves that had a key to the cupboard was one of those off sick.

Still stressed he found there was hardly enough coffee to make a weak cup, let alone a strong one as he liked it. . .having made a barely coloured coffee he accidentally over poured the milk and made it weaker and, not very hot. . . on the way to his favourite chair to relax for a while before the off, the doorbell unexpectedly rang making him jump and spilling the whole cup of coffee over his chair, with the seat now too wet to sit on he went cursing to answer the door.

There stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The little angel was full of Christmas spirit and joy and cheerfully said, "Merry Christmas Santa, isn't it a lovely day! I have this beautiful tree for you, isn't it a pretty tree, isn't it just beautiful! Where would you like me to stick it?"



Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the tree!

<_<  :mellow:  :unsure:

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except.... and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dildo.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dildo?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big @#%$ deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dildo, the door." The voodoo dildo rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dildo, get back in your box!" The voodoo dildo stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dildo, my vagina." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dildo. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dildo, my vagina!" The voodoo dildo shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dildo was stuck in her vagina, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right.. Voodoo male dildo, my ass!"

That's actually a very bastardized version of the old "Crunch Bird" joke.

We're also falling into the gutter here.  Can we keep the jokes a bit cleaner?

An egg walks up to a pot of boiling water and says "You're not going to get me hard to easy because I just got layed."

*sighs* I'm so sorry for reducing the thread to that  :unsure:

From bad to worse....  alright, here's one below the belt as well, but a little lesson of life in it that you mammals can apreciate.

A little boy walks up to a little girl and says "I'll show you mine if you show me yours."  They do, and the boy giggles at the girl and says "You ain't got one of these!  Nya nya nya!"  The little girl runs home crying.  Her mom asks what happens and she tells her.  Her mom tells her what to do.  A few minutes later the little girl runs back up to the little boy and says "Oh yeah?  Well my mommy told me that with one of these I can get as many of those as I want!"

that..that was pathetic *cries* :sob:

Two vultures were in the desert eating a dead clown. The first vulture asks the second vulture: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Two old men went out on a fishing trip with a wise old skipper. Shortly after leaving the dock two laughing gulls flew over their craft and one decided to let loose. The poop landed on the bald head of one of the fishermen. The other old man exclaimed "Don't get upset. Stay right here and I'll go fetch some toilet paper". The skipper replied, "No need for that. By the time you return the birds will have flown away".

Two duck hunters are out on the marsh. One says to the other, "we're not having much luck today getting any ducks." The other one says, " maybe we're not throwing the dog high enough."

It is easy to determine if someone is committed to a cause or just involved. Consider the case of the bacon and egg breakfast. The chicken is involved.  The pig is committed.

Two statisticians went duck hunting. A mallard flew overhead and one statistician fired just to the right of the bird. The other statistician fired just to the left of the bird. They turned to each other and exclaimed, "On average, he's dead!"

A hunter sighted his gun at a duck and was about to fire when the duck yelled, "Don't shoot and I'll give you a hot stock tip!" "Okay," the hunter replied. "What's the stock?" "It's a company called Sounds Like a Duck," the fowl replied. "It manufactures a duck call, and the share price went up two points last week." The Hunter immediately went home and bought a thousand shares, figuring if anyone could determine an effective duck call it would be a duck. But just two weeks later the company went out of business. Furious, the hunter drove back to the pond to get an explanation. "I just lost thousands of dollars because of your lousy tip," the hunter said angrily. "Big deal," the duck replied. "We just lost our early warning system."

A male eagle was feeling a little amorous and while soaring around he spotted a cute red-tail hawk. He swooped down, picked up the hawk and took it back to his nest. The red-tail proceeded to say, over and over, "I'm a hawk - I just want to talk." The eagle soon tired of this and returned the hawk. Continuing his soaring, he spotted a pretty blue jay. He picked up the blue jay and took it back to his nest. The blue jay repeated over and over, "I'm a jay - I just want to play." The eagle promptly returned the blue jay. Again he soars over the fields and water and spotted a beautiful wood duck. He picked up the wood duck and took it back to his nest. Once there, the wood duck said, "I'm a drake - you made a mistake!"

An American is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to him.

The American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts a conversation:

Canadian: "You American folk eat the whole bread??" American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Canada, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Canadian has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."

The American then asks: "Do you have sex in Canada?"

Canadian: "Why of course we do", the Canadian says with a big smirk.

American: And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Canadian: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Canada.

A carpet-layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. 'No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. 'Here,' she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. 'I found them in the hallway.'

'Now,' she said, 'if only I could find my parakeet. '

How to scare your neighbors
 
1. Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that you don't have a phone.

2. Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and Scream, "I have your life in my hands, bow down to me!". Then point at each one and declare them good or bad plants, while watering the bad ones.

3. Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house. (i.e.: chairs, books,lamps, etc.)

4. Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans, if they ask why say, "Mine are full of bodies", then stutter and say, "I, uh, mean other garbage." Walk away laughing hysterically.

5. Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they come close, state that their is a 3 foot neutral area between the two yards.

6. At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say, "looks like they're on the move again."

7. When they're watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window. Sit down with popcorn and a drink and ask them if they could open a window so you can hear too.

8. Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbours. Each day hack off a different part of their body.

9. Use your TV remote to change the channels on their TV from outside. If asked why, say you protest such programs. (The more educational the program the better.)

10. Dig shallow graves at night filling your yard with brown grave patches. Make markers out of household appliances

now that 1 was just lame lill , I saw that 1 in a nesspot of worlds funniest comercials with a hamster .

once they did a wormtest in a lab .
they wanned to see in what conditions the worms could survive .

the first worm was set in an inviroment that only consisted of earth .( the worm lived )

the second worm was putted in a bath full of sperm ( the worm died )

the third worm was put in a glass filled with beer ( he died )


the conclusion the lab gave
"As long as we drink and have sex , we wont get worms "

(i know its a lame post , but else i would have double posted so I had to fill this 1 up )

http://www.theolympian.com/home/news/20040...ound/8191.shtml (http://www.theolympian.com/home/news/20040107/southsound/8191.shtml)

Some people have way too much time on their hands.

Found this at another site I frequent.

Monty Python's Quest for to Get Rid of the The Holy Grail The Ring.


100 years before Deagol finds the Ring, it tried to return to its Master,
Sauron.

Unwisely, however, it chose Sir Robin of King Arthur's Court.

Driven mad by the incessant singing of Robin's minstrels, and unable to
even feed them to orcs (who have some standards, apparently), the Ring eventually
pleaded with Robin to return to the river and let it go.

This took five (er, three) years. During this time, Sir Robin traveled the
land with his fellow knights, using his fun party ring to sneak up behind
Sir Galahad and catch him snogging the pages.

Even though he's not gay. He's just virtuous.

The Ring did manage to almost escape once, by convincing Sir Robin to trade
him to the Knights Who Say Ni. However, the knights promptly returned it,
in exchange for a nice potted plant.

Eventually, the Ring discovered that it could offer suggestions to the page
who banged Sir Robin's coconuts led Sir Robin's horse, and had him lead
Sir Robin back to the river, where the Ring gratefully slid off his finger
and sunk into the depths. It lay there in wonderous silence until rudely
interrupted by a fisherman.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's (2003)
winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting
laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house,which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running
late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub
in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole

Bill gates is on his way to a shareholder meeting and dies in a car crash.  He finds himself in hell, where he is greeted by Beelzebub.  "Welcome to Hell.  You'll be staying here for the rest of eternity, which is a very long time.  Now, since you've inflicted so much misery on the world and served me well, I'll be generous and give you any punishment you choose.  We'll just take a stroll past some of the rooms and you can take your pick.  Once you choose you're stuck with it, so don't be too hasty."

They walk past the first room, and Bill sees to his horror souls being turned slowly on spits over fires, screaming and gnashing their teeth.  "Whoa, that doesn't look too good," he says.  The second room is worse, people are being boiled up to their eyeballs in blood.  "Uh, I'll pass."  In the third room he sees a beautiful woman sitting at a table with a bottle of wine, and a computer in the corner.  "I'll take it!" he exlaims.  "You sure about that?" replies the devil.  "Absolutely!"  Beelzebub says "Alright then!" and shoves him in the door, locking it behind him.  One of his demons is watching all this and pipes up.  "Hey boss, that didn't look bad at all.  Why'd you let him get off so easy?"

The devil replies:  "Oh, that's the worst one we have.  You see, the bottle has a hole in it, the woman doesn't, and the computer is loaded with Windows 95."

A man was careless when he installed software on his new laptop,
and a virus infected the machine. It randomly inserted profanity
in his e-mails. The owner did not realize what was happening until
he had offended all of his friends. When he was told of the problem,
he decided to punish the computer. First, he sprinkled highway deicing
mixture on the power supply terminals to cause corrosion. Then, he
scraped away the solder joints from the motherboard. He finished by
throwing the computer from his hotel window. The next morning, he was
arrested and charged with a salted battery, breach of contacts, and
making an obscene clone fall!

http://www.elfrigo.org/flash/chowmein.htm (http://www.elfrigo.org/flash/chowmein.htm)

Chinese anyone?

Yeah, I've seen that before. *shakes her head*

well d'uh .

here in belgium there is 1 city whoare being called the dogeaters .
reason , during world war 2 they ate dogs because there wasnt enough foot .
anyway good song  :thumb:

Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the
parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly watching.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different
vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He
was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar
and drove off. Finally, he started his car, switched the wipers on and
off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted
the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward
a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few
more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled
out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.

The police officer having patiently waited all this time, now started
up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man
over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the
Breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man consumed alcohol at
all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to
the police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So,the Angel announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says," Please tell me how you died." The third man says,"Ok, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

One day a man went to an auction.  While there, he bid on a parrot.  He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding.  He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher  and higher.  Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the  parrot was his at last!  As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope  this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" The Auctioneer replied, "Who do you think kept  bidding against you?"

 A woman went to a pet shop and spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.  "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner?  The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.  She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.  The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."  The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."  When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.  Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Same old customers."

for those of you  who don't know...
lol

Kurt Kobain is very dead...

The orchestra conductor had been having problems with the bassists;
they were the least professional of his musicians. It was the last
performance of the season, Beethoven's 9th Symphony, which required
extra effort from the bassists at the end. Earlier that evening, he
had found them celebrating a birthday by passing around a bottle. Then,
as he was about to cue the bassists, he knocked over his music stand.
The sheet music scattered. So he stood in front of his orchestra, his
worst fear realized: It was the bottom of the 9th, no score and the
bassists were loaded.

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but He had two extra things left over in His bag so He decided to split them between Adam and Eve.

He told them that one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he went like an excited little boy.

So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing and I guess you can have it."

"What's it called? Eve asked.

"Brains" God said.

All the monks in a certain monastery sing the simple word "Morning!"
from their windows each sunrise. Early one day after several "Morning!"
greetings have been sung melodiously into the dawn air, a single
greeting of "Evening!" rings out of one window. In the courtyard below,
Brother Timothy looks around startled, and says "Did you hear that,
Brother Edward?" "Hear what, Brother Timothy?" replied Brother Edward.
Brother Timothy sang in reply: "Someone chanted evening..."