A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to
have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed
out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to
take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there
were several cabs -- I was in the wrong one.

Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on
an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior
chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they
used to be," remorsed the patient.

Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told
a wife that her husband had died of a massive
myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later,
I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that
he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the
visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet
from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with
your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now
your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I
requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read
the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered
that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was
standing there with both his eyes covered. I was
laughing too hard to finish the exam.

Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with
his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he
was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which
one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on
a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of
places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and
discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see... Yes, the man
had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the
instructions include removal of the old patch before
applying a new one.

Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I
asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a
look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not
for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."

Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentuckyand asked, "So
how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good,
except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get
used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked
to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet
labeled "KY Jelly."

Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a
young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker
Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing
strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined
that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was
completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff
noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and
above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the
grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which
said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

and Finally . . .

A new, young MD doing his residency in OBwas quite
embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover
his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit
of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he
was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing
and further embarrassed him.
He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm
sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were
whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."
-- Dr. wouldn't admit his name