Observant
A mother was giving instructions to her children on their way to Sunday school, and to make sure they were listening, she asked: "And, why is it we should be quiet in church?"

Her little girl responded, "Because people are sleeping?"

Hubris perhaps?
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need You. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't You just go on and get lost."

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"

But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"

I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face... This apparently was a real memo sent out by a computer company to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.

Replacement of Mouse Balls
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer!

That's so wrong...

I think laser mice would be a better investment than constantly changing mice balls though. This is why companies need a man like me

Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks, again.
My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy's egging me on to try to top the $50.
My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?
Then the woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home!!

Check this little movie out

http://www.legnog.com/music/iol2x/popup.html

Found this at another club I frequent. Thought you all might like a bit of humor in this dark time.

Axis of Evil Wannabees

by John Cleese

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil",
Libya, China and Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis
of Just as Evil", which they said would be more evil than that stupid
Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of
the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis
having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are just as
evil...in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il.
"Everybody knows we're the best evils...best at being evil...we're the
best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded,
although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of
Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar
al-Assad. "An axis can't have more than three countries", explained
Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition.
In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis.
So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly
cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift,
as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious
nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of
geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia announced that they had
formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil", forcing Somalia to join with
Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil", while Bulgaria,
Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really
as Just Generally Disagreeable". With the criteria suddenly expanded
and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and
Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the
Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics".

Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are
Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About
America", while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis
of Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick". "That's not a threat,
really, just something we like to do", said Scottish Executive First
Minister Jack McConnell. While wondering if the other nations of the
world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted
approval for most axis, although he rejected the establishment of the
"Axis of Countries Whose Names End in 'Guay", accusing one of its
members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay,
Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but
privately world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

Little Johnny was at home and seemed to have more energy then usual, he was running around the house breaking everything he touched! So his mother said: "Johnny there is construction going on just across the street, why don't you go and see if you can learn somthing" Little Johnny replied "ok" and took off across the street.  At the time little Johnny came over the workers were in the process of hanging new doors on the house,  so Johnny remembering his mother told him to learn somthing, decides to ask one of the workers how to hang a door, to which the worker replies: "Well first you get the son of a bitch, then of course its too f*cking big! So you gotta shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and pound that god damn thing home! - Johnny now certian that he had learned somthing decided to go home,  when he came in the door his mother asked him if he learned any thing.  Johnny replied "Yes I learned how to hang a door"  and his mother said "Oh! Johnny thats wonderful tell mommy how you do that."  to which Jhonny replies: "Well first you get the son of a bitch, then of course its too f*cking big! So you gotta shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and..." (mother cuts him off) "Johnny! thats enough! you go up stairs this instant I am going to tell your Father about this when he gets home!"
So Johnny not knowing what he did wrong goes up stairs and waits for his father... Then at about 3:00pm his Father arrived at home and Johnny heard him come straight up the stairs,  Johnnys Father says to him. "I heard you got into trouble with mom today" (Johnny says) "All I did was tell her how to hang a door" (Father) "and how do you do that?" (Johnny) "Ok... Well first you get the son of a bitch, then of course its too f*cking big! So you gotta shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and... (Father cuts him off) "Thats it! go to the backyard and get me a switch!" To which Johnny replies "F*ck you! Thats the electritions job!"

- Damn I didn't think this joke was that long  

I guess he should've watched his mouth. If he reworded that, he might have still existed long enough to have a drink. I can't remember any good jokes so I'll tell a bad one.
                               Some guy goes into the county courthouse to see somebody. He's told he has to wait so he asks the person at the desk, go get me a blonde. While he's waiting he sits down in a room and sees some red things in a plastic bowl which he thinks are tomatoes and starts eating. The blonde shows up and screams in horror, running away to the bathroom to puke. The guy asked "What the hell is her problem?" then says get me a redhead. He waits awhile, eating the "tomatoes" again and the shapely redhead steps in. She gets sick and pukes, then runs away. "What was that about?" Next he says get me a brunette. He starts eating again and a busty, gorgeous brunette walks in and sees him eating and runs out with a queasy, desparate look. Finally as he's sitting there the mayor( judge, or whoever he needed to see) walks in and yells "Goddamn boy, what the hell are you doing???!!!!" So the man answers I was just sitting here waiting eating these tomatoes.....{cut off quick} "Damnit boy, those ain't tomatoes, those are last week's abortions!!!!!!!!!"

I told you it was bad.  :blink:

lmao!

where are you coming up with thesE?