Can anyone explain to me the precepts and ideals of this 'religion'? I hear lots of people talking about it, and most either think it's a giant crock of shit, or the best thing ever.

Yet I have no idea exactly what it is.

This isn't a debate on the worth of one religion over another (or none over all).

It's a cult, like any other religion. Whatever meritable philosophy it may have to offer, is ultimately deluded by primitive theology. See, just like any religion. Though, really, it's quite a shame more people aren't Rosicrucian

In any case, it gives my future aspirations of creating a cult and milking to idiotic masses hope

They're a boring cult though, the kind that doesn't condone the use of Kool-Aid

They're all ghost writtin Pho.  Anyway, he's not dead - you just haven't gotten to the inner circle yet
Dev - they don't need to use Kool-Aid, they've got lawyers from hell.  If you want to see how they operate, try looking on the net for the people they've sued.  They have a habit of sueing people that post negative things about them (like reporters, etc.)  They've got plenty deep pockets, so they usually just litagate these poor guys into the ground till they can't rub two nickels together.  Mind you I'm not saying they win, they just keep dragging things out till the defendant runs out of money.

Bah, can anyone actually tell me what they're all about?

THIS IS NOT A DISCUSSION ON THE VALIDITY OF THE RELIGION. GRRRR.

Just WTF are the basics behind this religion, so that when people make fun of it, I CAN GET THE sporkING JOKE

Thank you, Phoenix

You may now return to your regularly scheduled religious maulings discussion.

Is this a religion or is it a virus?

Its a set of instructions that get passed from one person to another, including the instruction - pass on this infomation to others.

Norton, where are you when I need you?

Gather 'round, and sit down, my children. Old Uncle Oob is about to tell you all a story. Is everyone comfortable? Then we'll begin!

Our story starts off millions and millions of years ago, (75, to be precise) in a galaxy not too far from here. Right here, in fact. Earth, you see, was part of a great Galactic Empire, spanning 76 worlds total. Course, back then Earth was known as Teegeeack, but it was the same blue green orb we know and love today. This great Galactic Empire was, fittingly enough, ruled over by the alien Galactic Ruler named Xenu.

Xenu, it turns out, had a bit of a problem on his hands at about the time this story begins. Each of his 76 planets was overpopulated by an average of 178 billion people. Clearly, something had to be done before the overpopulation destroyed the entire Empire. With the help of his renegades, the evil Xenu seized total control of the government, and threw out the good people and the Loyal Officers.

Then, with the help of psychiatrists, he called these trillions of people in for tax collections. However, instead of actually being taxed, these people were instead injected with a mixture of alcohol and glycol, and frozen. The great masses of frozen people were loaded on to space ships which looked identical to DC-8s, but had rocket engines instead of propellers. The frozen bodies were flown to Teegeeack, and deposited in the volcanoes of the world. Hydrogen bombs were detonated, and while the sprits of these "Thetans" were flying around on the nuclear winds, great electronic beams were set up to capture all of them.

The souls were then packaged into boxes, and forced into great big 3D cinemas, where they were shown a variety of tales including that of God, Christ, and the Devil. These movies told them what life should be like, and was referred to as "implanting." When the films ended, these souls left the cinemas and those with similar beliefs begain to clump up in groups of a couple of thousand. Now, because there were only a few living bodies left, they stayed as clusters and inhabited these bodies

As for Xenu, the Loyal Officers finally overthrew him and they locked him away in a mountain on one of the planets. He is kept in by a force-field powered by an eternal battery and Xenu is still alive today, while everyone on Earth is host to thousands of these "Body Thetans." These Thetans are the source of all of our troubles, and it is the goal of Scientology to free people from their grasp.

The End.

I'm sorry, Phoenix, but, well...The Matrix has you. (That's my interpretation of those cinemas, at least.)