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ConfusedUs
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"Never pet a burning dog."
-Blizzard
Never, never, never shoot a gas pump.
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors...and miss."
-Lazarus Long
Life is a Sexually Transmitted Disease from which there is 100% fatality
This sentence is a lie.
If you light a fag in England you smoke. If you light a fag in the
US it's a hate crime.
A true test of a man's character is not what he does in the light but
what he does in the dark.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm Skitzophrenic, and so am I.
You don't win a war by dying for your country. You win a war by
making the other son-of-a-bitch die for his.
A single death is a tragedy, A million deaths is a statistic.
Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
History is simply a compilation of lies that are agreed upon.
A legend is a dead guy that people know. A hero is a guy who's
gonna die that people know.
There is a fork in the road. If left is right, but right is wrong, then
would you take the right way, or the way that is left?
I'm not under the influence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
Only in America do we have drive-up ATMs with Braille on them.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
The only ones who aren't grateful n Thanksgiving are turkeys.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
The smallest good deed is better than the greatest intention.
"Life is like stepping onto a boat which is about to sail out to sea and sink."
- Shunryu Suzuki Roshi
You ARE what you eat.
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
"A word to the wise is unnecessary."
- La Rouchefoucauld
War doesn't determine who's right but who's left.
A watched clock never boils.
If you blow in a dog's face, he'll get mad, buy take him for a ride in the car the first
thing he does is stick his head out of the window.
If the human brain was simple enough for us to understand we'd be so simple we
couldn't understand it.
Love letters, business contracts and money always arrive three weeks late, whereas
junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
To a worm, digging the hard ground is more relaxing than going fishing.
"640 kilobytes of computer memory ought to be enough for anybody."
- Bill Gates, 1981
The more you cry, the less you have to pee.
Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks
of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool
and throw them fish?
Half of the people you know are below average.
It takes one tree to make 10,000 matches, but one match to burn 10,000 trees.
Illegal drugs are the chlorine in the gene pool.
People don't see the world as it is, but as they are.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
"A city is a large community where people are lonesome together."
- Herbert Prochnow
The food that you get in art museums is institutional revenge for the art
that you get in restaurants.
A classic is a book that is much praised yet rarely read.
If I get male pattern baldness, I'd like zig-zags please.
If an infinite number of Rednecks in the back of an infinite number of pickup
trucks shoot an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of
highway signs, they will eventually produce a complete version of Hamlet in Braille.
Rehab is for quitters.
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
The "Psychic Friends Network" went out of business... didn't they see it coming?
Constant change is here to stay.
That place is so crowded, nobody goes there anymore.
Anarchy is better than no government at all.
What could be worse than climbing the ladder of success only to find
it is against the wrong wall?
It was been recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through...
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you.
Tell him a seat has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
""If we stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time."
- Edith Wharton
A gentle stream can split a mountain, given enough time.
Long periods of drought are always followed by rain.
Stopping at third base adds no more runs than striking out.
The future has many names. For the fearful, it's the unknown. For the reckless, it's the
adventure. For the pessimists, it's the unattainable. For the brave, it's the opportunity.
"I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the
people who have to wait for them."
- E.V. Lucas
Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
You know, you could have been prevented for a quarter.
While he isn't dumber than an ox, he's not appreciably smarter either.
Hey! Quit hogging all of the ugly!
May your life be like toilet paper - long and useful.
I think, therefore, I am... not related to you.
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, buy you're abusing the privilege.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap. Park elsewhere!
Don't talk about yourself so much... we'll do that when you leave.
You sound reasonable... time to up my medication.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
If I was 10 times smarter than you, I'd STILL be a moron!
"Try not to let your mind out by itself. It is too small to be out by itself."
- L. Atkinson
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Why are you here and what can I do to change that?
I would engage you in a battle of wits but I refuse to duel with an unarmed person.
You're about as sharp as a marble.
If brains were gasoline, he wouldn't have enough to power an ant's motorcycle
halfway across a penny.
I'd be happy to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I read your mind, and trust me, it was a short story.
She's depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
He was so narrow minded that he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
If I was in a room with you and two werewolves and I had a gun with two silver bullets,
I'd shoot you. Twice.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
The person who knows how to laugh will never cease to be amused.
What would you attempt to do, if you knew you couldn't fail?
May you have the hindsight to know where you have been, the foresight to know
where you are going, and the insight to know when you have gone too far.
May the forces of evil get lost on the way to your house.
Never frown because you never know who is falling in love with you smile.
"I know it hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle without a seat, but it hurts."
- Lt. Frank Drebin, The Naked Gun
I just got lost in thought... it was unfamiliar territory.
I always win. Except when I lose, but then I just don't count it.
I intend to live forever - so far so good.
I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
I'll never be satisfied until I'm too smart for my own good.
The wisest man that I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. Although I
never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I am left with is the
memory of having learned something very wise that I can't remember.
I'm not tense. Just terribly, terribly alert.
I went to a bookstore and asking the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I want to live forever or die in the attempt.
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else.
I've got a plan so cunning, you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
A Nobel Peace Prize? I would KILL for one of those.
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat
it with naked fat people.
Yes, I know it's bad for me, but nagging me about it might be bad for you.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that
communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you
like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said,
"Listen witch...do it and die."
I am having an out of money experience.
Elevators...good 'til the last drop.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
"I have six locks on my door. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no
matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking
three."
- Andy Rooney
"My grandpa told me to remember two things in life; look out for Number One and
remember your number."
- Orville Cogswell
If I want your opinion...I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
A warrior once asked a wise man "How would you beat him?" to which the wise
man replied "With a stick, while he slept. But that man, that man is unbeatable."
Hey ladies, can I offer you sex in exchange for...sex?
"Its all coming back to me now" said the blind man peeing into the wind.
One night as I lay in bed looking at the stars, I wondered "What the hell happened to
my roof?"
"If business was as good as my aim, I'd be on easy street. Instead, I have a corner
office on 39th and a bad relationship with a string of collection agents."
--Tracer Bullet
Anything worth doing, is worth over-doing.
If you value the opinions of the mass's you are only decreasing your own worth, for
it is not the opinions of the majority that matter, but those of your loved ones and
true friends
Life is adventure, or nothing.
Violence solves only the simplest of problems. You must think your way through the tough ones.
Truly, if there is evil in this world, it lies within the heart of mankind.
- Edward D. Morrison
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