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Lilazzkicker
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Onions and Christmas Trees.
A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kinds of boobs?"
Suprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't...there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's age--In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In here thirties to forties, they are like pears , still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions, Dad?"
"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry..."
Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?"
The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yea, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration."
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« Last Edit: 2003-10-03, 02:46 by Lilazzkicker »
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Angst
Rabid Doomer
Team Member
Elite
  
Posts: 1011
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haha, burn  A guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man to go with it. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. And after awhile, another guy at the bar notices: ?Hey, what's that?? ?A twelve-inch pianist. I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, and I got a twelve inch pianist.? ?Can I try?? The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room. ?Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!? ?Did you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?? edit: Q: What do the men in a singles bar have in common? A: They're all married. /edit had to add that  |
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« Last Edit: 2003-10-07, 16:02 by Angst »
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"Who says a chainsaw isn't a ranged weapon?"
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Angst
Rabid Doomer
Team Member
Elite
Posts: 1011
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Old story my grandfather was fond of telling, as he was directly involved. He was leading a field course for an archaeology class into the Columbian jungles. And later on during the expedition, their guide (who doubled as the camp cook) made them a chicken dinner every other night. Now, as they had been deep in the jungle, it was curious as to where he could find chicken, and when they asked, he simply said "I know where dey are" with a fairly thick accent. After hearing that answer, they figured out that he must head out and visit one of the local villages during the day while they were hiking and trade or purchase the supplies for dinner. One day, they group came back early, and they happened upon the guide holding a large lizard by the tail. Gramps just looked at him and said "what in the HELL is that?" to which their guide replied: "It's chikee boss!" |
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"Who says a chainsaw isn't a ranged weapon?"
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ROADKILL
Spectre
Posts: 44
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did ya ever have chicken for lunch? and then have it for dinner? and wonder if they knew each other? new roach spray on the market. it doesn't kill them, it just fills there head with self dought and makes them wonder if they're in the right house.  |
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Dicion
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lame.. those are george carlin clips.. and i even know where you ripped it from! He used those 2 jokes on the tonight show a little while ago |
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ROADKILL
Spectre
Posts: 44
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lame.. those are george carlin clips.. and i even know where you ripped it from! He used those 2 jokes on the tonight show a little while ago dial 1-800-whaa :hat: |
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ROADKILL
Spectre
Posts: 44
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one day I thought to myself Farmers realy have it good.
so I desided to start a chicken farm.
I got a mess of chickens and off I went to start a farm.
the first year all my chicken died.
so I got a whole bunch more.
the second year my chickens die again.
this year I think I got it all figured out.
I'm either planting them too deep or too close together.
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Phoenix
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All these chicken jokes... don't seem like poultry in motion to me. 
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  I fly into the night, on wings of fire burning bright...
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Angst
Rabid Doomer
Team Member
Elite
Posts: 1011
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owwww... pun..  |
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"Who says a chainsaw isn't a ranged weapon?"
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ROADKILL
Spectre
Posts: 44
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billybob n jimbob had been pig farmers for pret neer 20 years,
But they'd never won at the county fair.
One day billybob looked at jimbob and said we're gonna win that
blue ribbon this year and send that liddle girl sissy home acryin.
so billybob went out and he put a cork in the pigs butt and they
proceeded to feed that pig everything they could find.
time came for the county fair and that pig was pert neer a ton.
so they loaded him up on the tractor trailor and headed of to the fair.
sure enough the judges had never seen a pig that big in there lives.
they won the blue ribbon and took there pig home.
then billybob looked at jimbob and said we gotta pull the cork out.
jimbob looked at billybob and said no fricken way I aint pullin that thing out.
so billybob got another idea, he went down to the pet store and got him
one of those orgin grinder monkeys and procceded to teach him to pull
corks outa jugs with bananas in them.
well the day came when they thought the monkey was ready.
so they took him out to the pig pen and showed hit to the pen gate.
sure enough he lit off towards the pig and grabbed the cork and
gave it a big yank.
billtbob and jimbob woke up all covered in you know what and
knocked silly.
they looked at each other and billybob asked jimbob what the hell
happened all I remeber is shit flyin everyware.
jimbob says
all i remeber is that poor little monkey try'n to get the cork back in.
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Angst
Rabid Doomer
Team Member
Elite
Posts: 1011
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O.o peyeeeeeew! |
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"Who says a chainsaw isn't a ranged weapon?"
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Angst
Rabid Doomer
Team Member
Elite
Posts: 1011
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Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly naked."
Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
Frank Perdue's line: "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."
Bacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name "Pavian" to suggest French chic... However, "pavian" means "baboon" in German.
A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the $hit stick.
When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan "finger lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."
When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is f - which in German is the guttural equivalent of sexual intercourse.
Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, "Avoid Embarrassment - Use Quink" into Spanish as "Evite Embarazos - Use Quink"...which also means, "Avoid Pregnancy - Use Quink."
When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese translated as: "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."
Chinese translation proved almost as difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasn't until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with "ko-kou-ko-le" which translates roughly to the much more appropriate "happiness in the mouth."
Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English weren't too fond of the name either, as it's a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual individual.
The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means "it doesn't go" in Spanish.
Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that "Pinto" is Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with "Corcel" which means horse.
When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside since most people can't read.
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"Who says a chainsaw isn't a ranged weapon?"
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Demonwench
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The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon Little Johnny, knowing that sometimes he could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period." reported Johnny.
"I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
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Angst
Rabid Doomer
Team Member
Elite
Posts: 1011
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hahaha! classic! |
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"Who says a chainsaw isn't a ranged weapon?"
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Demonwench
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A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded with an unanimous "yes." The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty Space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff.
If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
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