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Author Topic: Joke corner! (go on...make us laugh...if you can)  (Read 30301 times)
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Demonwench
 
Hans Grosse
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Posts: 270

« on: 2003-01-28, 07:17 »

Here's a coupla poems for you guys...note that comm means computer, in case ye can't figure it out.

Engineers may say "It's just a machine"
But the comm has a mind, and we know that it's mean!

If while working, you comm does balk,
Reboot it while you take a walk.

Don't swear when you comm does flash:
"Out of memory". Just clear your cache.

Don't toss you mouse upon the floor.
Calm down and try the task once more.

Don't scream at the Blue Sceen of Death.
Stand up. Stretch. Take a deep breath.

And when the monitor gives an ominous sizzle
And the circuits start to fizzle.

Wait until to normal your heartbeat goes.
Calmly open the study windows.

Because you know without a doubt,
It's time to throw the damn thing out.

And the next one....

How to Install Software

Part 1
-----
Read the instructions.
Follow them.
Apply them.
Observe errors.
Question authors.
Wait. Wait. Wait.

Part 2
------
Read answer.
Download fix.
Install fix.
Read intructions.
Follow them.
Apply them.
Observe errors.

Part 3
------
Join online forum to discuss problem.
Get advice.
Follow advice.
Observe errors.
Pick fight with person who gave you advice.
Apologize.

Part 4
------
Buy new software to do the same thing and return to step 1
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dev/null
 
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Vadrigar
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Posts: 607

« Reply #1 on: 2003-01-28, 16:20 »

I knew a priest in a small American town once. This particular priest owned a small farm on the edge of town and his most favored animal was his elder rooster. One morning the priest woke up late because his rooster had not crowed for some reason. When the priest went outside to check on it he saw that the rooster was missing, so he decided to ask about it at church later that day. Once at church he decided to ask before any services began. He stood up infront of the towns people and spoke. "Does anyone have a cock?", all the men in the room stood up. "No, that's not what I meant. I meant has anyone seen a cock?, and all the women stood up. "Let's try this a different way... Has anyone seen my cock?", all the choir boys stood up Slipgate - Laugh
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IEEE1394
 

Pinky
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Posts: 34

« Reply #2 on: 2003-01-28, 18:03 »

Hehe i thought the topic was Jolt corner  B)
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Byskwik
 
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« Reply #3 on: 2003-01-28, 19:50 »

Two peanuts were walking down the street, and one was a salted.
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OoBeY
 
Hans Grosse
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Posts: 299

« Reply #4 on: 2003-01-29, 02:12 »

I use CAT-22 cabling in my network. You can't perform an ARP request unless you know the MAC Address of the device you're looking for...
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Thomas Mink
 

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« Reply #5 on: 2003-01-29, 04:01 »

Like, this one time, at band camp... uhhhhhhh, I forget the rest, but anyway I made myself some steak-ums today and they were good. After that I went to my late class and was bored. Came home and played some loud music and started headbanging like a wild man... roommate walked in and thought i was crazy, and I agreed. Went to sleep sometimes in the night, not sure of the time....

OH! Almost forgot, there are only 10 types of people that understand binary... those who do, and those who don't.
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Skins made for SMBC, animated are in-game


"Everybody's got a price" - 'The Million Dollar Man' Ted DiBiase
Demonwench
 
Hans Grosse
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Posts: 270

« Reply #6 on: 2003-01-30, 04:26 »

Hehehehe...funny site....

http://www.farmjokes.com/email/newjoke/gotthemouse.jpg
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dev/null
 
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Vadrigar
**********
Posts: 607

« Reply #7 on: 2003-01-30, 20:19 »

Q: What do a hooker and a bungee jump have in common?
A: They're both cheap, quick, and if the rubber breaks you're dead!

Q: What do you get when you line up twelve girls from Kentucky?
A: A full set of teeth

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games keeper
 

Elite
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Posts: 1375

« Reply #8 on: 2003-01-30, 21:55 »

www.rooieoortjes.nl
look at the strip (weelky new one)
flash movie (montly new one )
cartoon weekly .

 warning sex  related but actually its not porn related just funny
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dev/null
 
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Vadrigar
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Posts: 607

« Reply #9 on: 2003-01-30, 21:59 »

Funny yet sexual... I thought it was going to be R. Crumb at first Slipgate - Tongue
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Moshman
 
Beta Tester
Vadrigar
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Posts: 615

Yarg!

« Reply #10 on: 2003-01-31, 04:20 »

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
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McDeth
 

Makron
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Posts: 388

Wildly Inappropriate

« Reply #11 on: 2003-01-31, 05:16 »

My brother[younger]  wants to go to a Nirvana concert.....
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Beer? I'm down.
dev/null
 
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Vadrigar
**********
Posts: 607

« Reply #12 on: 2003-01-31, 05:23 »

That's not funny DaMan, that's just scary. Grunge sickens me, it's nothing more than a bunch of lamers who are able to iron their shirts, comb their hair, or play their instruments screaming at the top of their lungs about nothing... How the hell is he going to go to a Nirvana concert anyways? He does realize Kurt's dead, right?

EDIT: I just realized that I do like a few Grunge bands, such as Alice in Chains, some of Hole, and most of Kittie (if you can count gothy Canadian chicks as Grunge...)
« Last Edit: 2003-01-31, 05:25 by dev/null » Logged
Demonwench
 
Hans Grosse
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Posts: 270

« Reply #13 on: 2003-02-01, 04:25 »

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the
third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"

The teacher took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited
in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the
situation was.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he
failed to answer any of his questions, he was to go back to the first-
grade and behave. The teacher agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and
he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-
grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells
her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Harry both agreed.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry: "Legs"

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Harry: "Pockets"

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"

Teacher: What starts with a ?C? and ends with a ?T?, is hairy, oval.
Harry: "Coconut"

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting
down and a dog do on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands"

Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yup"

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me
up. I get wet before you do"
Harry: "Tent"

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first."
Harry: "Wedding ring"

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you
blow me, you feel good."
Harry: "Nose"

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Harry: "Arrow"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot
of excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher: "He?s going
to the fifth-grade. I missed the last 10 questions."
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dev/null
 
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Vadrigar
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Posts: 607

« Reply #14 on: 2003-02-01, 04:56 »

That was one of the better ones DW Slipgate - Smile
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Lilazzkicker
 

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« Reply #15 on: 2003-02-01, 11:03 »

:lol: /me Applauds

BTW, i missed every question on that list....../me runs away shamefully
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Demonwench
 
Hans Grosse
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Posts: 270

« Reply #16 on: 2003-02-08, 04:39 »

A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just
joined the IRS, excited to begin tracking down
high-powered offenders-just as the Enron or WorldCom
guys.

Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was
a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a
Rabbi. Looking over the books and taxes were pretty
straight forward, and the Rabbi clearly very frugal,
so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having
a little fun with the Rabbi.

"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer.

So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way...
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the I.R.S."

"The I.R.S.?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, " the I.R.S.. " ...and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."
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dev/null
 
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Vadrigar
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Posts: 607

« Reply #17 on: 2003-02-08, 04:44 »

hehe Slipgate - Smile
« Last Edit: 2003-02-08, 04:49 by dev/null » Logged
Demonwench
 
Hans Grosse
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Posts: 270

« Reply #18 on: 2003-02-08, 05:51 »

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the construction crew more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do
here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing 5 dollars. The little girl took it home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the 5 dollars pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a
construction crew building a house."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too?"

"I will if those worthless c0cksuckers at the timber yard ever bring us the f**k'in fibro we ordered," replied the little girl.
« Last Edit: 2003-02-08, 05:51 by Demonwench » Logged
Phoenix
Bird of Fire
 

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« Reply #19 on: 2003-02-08, 12:04 »

Two men are walking down the street.  They see a dog on the sidewalk licking it's testicles.  The first guy says to the second "Gee, I wish I could do that."  The second guy gets a funny look and stops for a second, then says "Don't you think you should just pet him instead?"

A priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar.  The bartender looks up and says "What is this, a JOKE?"

There was a man who owned a rather mean-spirited parrot.  The parrot would bite, curse like a sailor, and whistle and scream obscenities whenever he had a lady friend over for dinner.  Enough was enough, so one day when the parrot was being particularly obnoxious he took the bird and put him in the freezer!  5 minutes go by, then 10, and the guy can't stand leaving the poor thing in there like that, so he opens the freezer door.  The bird is shivering uncontrollably and is nearly frostbitten.  Feeling bad, the guy hugs the bird, who promptly apoligizes for being so rotten.  "I'll be good from now on." he says to the man.  "I just have one question.  What in God's name did the chicken do?!"

Q:  How are bureaucrats and terrorists alike?
A:  Both make demands that can never be met with consequences that are exceedingly bad and will stop at nothing to make sure that they get what they want.
Q:  How are they different?
A:  You can negotiate with the terrorist.

Q:  Why did the chicken REALLY cross the road?
A:  There was a big truck coming, and Farmer Brown didn't see all that good. Slipgate - Wink

Q:  How many sparrows does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Just two, but can you give them some privacy?

Then there was the landlady who was cleaning out an apartment of a prostitute who had been recently arrested.  There was a cage with two female parrots in it that did nothing but swear and say dirty things all day long.  She went to see her priest and ask him what she should do.  The priest said to her "Well, I also have two parrots, and they are very godly birds.  I taught them to pray and sing hymns.  Maybe if you bring me your two parrots I can put them with mine and their good manners will rub off on them."  So the next day the landlady brought in her parrots, and the priest put them in the cage.  One of the female parrots, imitating the former owner, said "Hey there, looking for some hot sex?"  The one male parrot said to the other "You can stop praying now Frank, our prayers just got answered!"

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I fly into the night, on wings of fire burning bright...

Star Citizen Referral Code: STAR-3R2G-JRKV
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