Angst
Rabid Doomer
Team Member
Elite
  
Posts: 1011
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Aright.. time to break out the Confucius-style..
BEHOLD:
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
Confucious say it take square ass to shit a brick.
To make egg roll, push it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
People who make Confucius joke speak bad English.
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"Who says a chainsaw isn't a ranged weapon?"
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Demonwench
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Got this email from a friend of mine today. All these bloody viruses...hitting us poor folk...
> The code name is "WORK". If you receive "WORK", from your colleagues,
> your boss, via e-mail or anyone else, do not touch "WORK" under any
> Circumstances.
>
> This virus wipes out your private life Completely.
>
> If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two good
> friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order three drinks and after
> repeating 14 times, you will find that "WORK" has been completely
> deleted from your brain.
>
> Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends. Should
> you realize that you do not have five friends, this means that you are
> already infected by this virus and "WORK" already controls your whole
> life. If this is the case, stay in the bar until you make at least five
> friends, and then retry.
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dev/null
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Wow, I'm doomed. Not only do I not have any friends, but I'm too young to go to bars (not as if I'd want to anyway)  Of course, it's not as if I work either, so maybe that balances it out? Perhaps procrastination does have a good side... |
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« Last Edit: 2003-09-23, 04:00 by dev/null »
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l4mby
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Oh, just wait til you go to college. College has a way of corrupting your views on things. *evil grin*
Some of you have already heard this one....some of you haven't.
A penguin is driving his car when suddenly it breaks down. He pulls over to the nearby mechanic shop to get it fixed. He asks the mechanic how long it will take to get it fixed b/c he was in a hurry. The mechanic told him to come back in an hour or so. Not having anything else to do, the penguin went across the street to the dairy shop to get an ice cream cone b/c he really loved vanilla ice cream. Well, as you may already know, penguins only have flippers and nothing really to grasp onto objects real well w/. So as he's eating his ice cream cone, he's making a huge mess getting it all over his hands and face b/c he obviously is having a hard time holding onto it. Noticing the time he rushed back across the street not having time to clean up. He asked the mechanic what was wrong and to which the mechanic replied, "I think you blew a seal."
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« Last Edit: 2003-09-23, 03:40 by l4mby »
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dev/null
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Nope, I'm far too antisocial to be corrupted  Poor penguin... It's still worth a smirk though |
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Demonwench
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Yep, I posted a similar joke not too long ago. You forgot the part where the penguin says frantically, "No no, it's just ice cream!"
My next joke!
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before
the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = Problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = Solution and action taken by the mechanics.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200
feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
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Lilazzkicker
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hehe, good joke that set, my dad has a few others like it
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Angst
Rabid Doomer
Team Member
Elite
Posts: 1011
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*snicker* very nice |
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"Who says a chainsaw isn't a ranged weapon?"
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Angst
Rabid Doomer
Team Member
Elite
Posts: 1011
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What's cuter than a zombie baby?
A zombie baby with a bunny head in its mouth.
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"Who says a chainsaw isn't a ranged weapon?"
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l4mby
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NICE! I liked the midget one. I was bored at work and just sat there laughing b/c we have nothing to do. haha.
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Phoenix
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A man holding a parrot came running and screaming into a veterinarian's office. The vet immediately brought him into an examining room. The vet carefully examined the parrot, and then said to the man, "I'm sorry, but this bird is dead." The man began to cry, "No! No! That can't be true! I want another opinion." The vet thought a second, then said, "okay," and left for the back office. He returned with a Black Labrador retriever. The Black Lab sniffed and sniffed the bird, finally letting out a low "woof" sound and looking up at the vet. The vet said to the man, "The dog thinks that the bird is dead too."
The man said, "I don't believe it! I want another opinion!" The vet then left with the Black Lab and came back with a cat. He placed the cat on the examination table. The cat walked over to the bird and sniffed and nudged it again and again. Finally, the cat shrugged its shoulders and walked away from the bird. The vet said, "The cat thinks it's dead too." The man sighed and said, "I guess you're right. How much do I owe you?"
The vet said, "That will be $600.00." The horrified man said, "Six hundred bucks! Just to tell me my bird is dead? That's ridiculous! That's outrageous! The vet then said, "Well, I was going to charge you $50.00, but then I had to include the Lab fees and CAT scan
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A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady became furious and stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
At this point the lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apoligized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
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True Story:
Parrot gets Draft Letter from Selective Service
AP
21-MAY-98
WRIGHT TOWNSHIP, Pa. (AP) In its endless search for a few good men, Uncle Sam is ordering one Sam Garmize to register for the draft -- or face prosecution.
But there's something the military brass ought to know: Sam is a parrot.
"They probably wouldn't want him because he only has four toes, green hair and no teeth," said Sharon Garmize, owner of the blue crown mealy amazon parrot who received the letter from the Selective Service on Monday.
The Selective Service bases its mailings on lists of graduating high school seniors obtained from commercial vendors, spokesman Larry Waltman said.
"Sometimes we get a dog. Sometimes we get a cat," he said. "This time we got a parrot."
Ms. Garmize suspects a friend or co-worker listed Sam and two dogs as members of the family on a survey several years back. Since then, Visa has offered him a credit card with a $2,000 limit. A tuxedo shop has offered a nice deal just in time for the prom. A student foreign exchange program has asked him to study abroad.
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And you think it's odd that a phoenix can type. 
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  I fly into the night, on wings of fire burning bright...
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Angst
Rabid Doomer
Team Member
Elite
Posts: 1011
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hah!
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"Who says a chainsaw isn't a ranged weapon?"
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Demonwench
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A REAL KEEPER!
ARIZONA DRIVERS: An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into. She was hysterical as she explained her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard," he said. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
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FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
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"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "its Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_______________________________________
Super-Sex
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
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ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later, she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the covers and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"
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DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
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OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes, she just stared and glared at her. Finally, she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
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SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car, it's hundreds of them
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l4mby
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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me" 12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry," 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God. 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.  |
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l4mby
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Letter to a Redneck Son:
Dearest Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom
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Angst
Rabid Doomer
Team Member
Elite
Posts: 1011
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hah  A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Damn, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You'd be drinking fast too if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents." |
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"Who says a chainsaw isn't a ranged weapon?"
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Phoenix
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A burglar breaks into a house at 3:00 in the morning. He's busy nosing around, grabbing valuables when he hears a cough behind him, followed by the hammer being cocked on a revolver. A woman's voice breaks the accompanying silence.
"Now sonny, I'm going to give you two choices here. Either you marry me, or I shoot you."
Considering the options, the theif says "Ok, sure, whatever, just don't hurt me!" The lady squeals with glee and turns the light on to get a better look at her would-be husband. The theif takes one look at her and says, "Oh God, PLEASE SHOOT ME!"
The moral of this story? Be sure to keep tabs on the whereabouts of your relatives so that you don't do what this guy did and break into your own mother's house.
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I fly into the night, on wings of fire burning bright...
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Angst
Rabid Doomer
Team Member
Elite
Posts: 1011
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hahahaha!
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"Who says a chainsaw isn't a ranged weapon?"
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