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Vadertime
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Good one. I wish I knew a lot more that good.  |
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Lilazzkicker
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This was posted in the #quakecon channel on etg mirc READ BEFORE YOU LISTEN TO AUDIO! A young husband called up the DJ, asking him to play this prank on his wife for fun. The couple had just bought a new house and had a new baby. This is a recording of the radio DJ pretending to be the husband's boss, calling to apologize to the wife for firing the husband at this bad time. http://www.thefunnypage.com/phonecall/Radi...llgonewrong.mp3 |
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« Last Edit: 2003-06-12, 08:22 by Lilazzkicker »
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dev/null
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Q: Why are there fences around cemeteries? A: Because everyone?s dieing to get in! /me looks at a train crossing ?It looks like the train already passed through here, see, it left it?s tracks!?  Also, I just gave you all cooties! :lol: |
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« Last Edit: 2003-06-16, 04:51 by dev/null »
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dev/null
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Jesus walks into a hotel and hands the inn keeper three nails and asks if he will put him up for the night EDIT: Yeah, my jokes need rephrased before they can be considered funny, so sue me! |
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« Last Edit: 2003-06-18, 01:27 by dev/null »
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Woodsman
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an irishman walks out of a bar...........................................................................................................................................................................no thats it.
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Lilazzkicker
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hahahah....sigh no one even looked at my joke?!
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Demonwench
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A man noticed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her cart.
As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no.
The little girl immediately began to have a conniption fit, and the mother said quietly, "Now Missy, we just have half of the aisles left to go through, don't be upset. It won't be long."
In the candy aisle, the little girl began to shout for treats.
When mom said she couldn't have any, she began to kick her mother and scream. The mother said softly, "There, there, Missy, don't cry, only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout stand, the little brat immediately began to reach for the gum and freaked out when her mom said she couldn't have any.
The mother patiently said, "Missy, we'll be through this checkout stand in five minutes and then you can go home and have a bottle and a nice snooze."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Missy," he said.
The mother sighed and replied, "Oh, no, my little girl's name is Francine.......I'm Missy."
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Demonwench
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A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park
bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. In fact, he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact,there's no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
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dev/null
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Two teenaged boys are sitting around, one looks at the other and asks ?You want to get laid??. The perplexed young man pauses for a moment then replies ??Yeah?, after which the first speaker replies ?Well then crawl up a chicken?s ass and wait!?
Q: What are the three branches of the government?
A: Corporate, Hollywood, and Military.
Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A: Two scoops of ice cream, 7 UP, and a dead baby.
Q: What does a baby and a grape have in common?
A: They both give a little whine when you squeeze them.
Q: How do you fit one-hundred babies into a jar?
A: Blender
Q: How do you get them back out?
A: Nachos!
/me resists the urge to go on with the dead baby jokes?
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Demonwench
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A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders,using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say:
"Red............cherry,""Yellow.........lemon,""Green..........lime, "Orange........orange."
"Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he said"I'll give you all a clue, It's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little
girl looked up in horror, spit her's out and yelled:Oh My God!!!!They're assholes!"
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dev/null
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C:\dos
C:\dos\run
C:\dos\runs\slow
C:\run\dos\run
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Demonwench
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In the Cherokee tribe, "Onestone" was his Indian name because he had only one testicle.
After years and years of this torment Onestone cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him Onestone any more.
Then one day a young woman forgot and said, "Good morning Onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest, there he shagged her all day, he shagged her all night, he shagged her all next day, until she died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone
meant business.
Years went by until a woman returned to the village after many away. She was overjoyed when she saw onestone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you Onestone."
Once again, Onestone grabbed the woman and took her deep into the forest where he shagged her all day, shagged her all night, shagged her all the next day, shagged her all the next night, but she wouldn't die!
What is the moral of the story?
You can't kill two birds with one stone.
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Phoenix
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Q: What was the last thing that went through Uday and Qusay Hussein's minds when they died?
A: 55 grains.
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  I fly into the night, on wings of fire burning bright...
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Demonwench
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Snigger...that was remarkably quick! They've been dead for how long now and they already have jokes about them...
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Phoenix
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They? I made that one up myself!
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I fly into the night, on wings of fire burning bright...
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Demonwench
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An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife ...
"F**k off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
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Demonwench
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WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal, evil thing I could do to him."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
Men know they're not going to understand women. They'll never understand how we can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto our upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and
still be afraid of a spider.
And finally, This is too cute not to pass on...
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
Confused, she says, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
"You see, it's like this," he replies, "yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper.." he paused for impact, "So..... I figure if I have to roll my own ....... so does she."
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