|
Demonwench
|
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.
He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place.
At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
Demonwench
|
Ok a penguin lives in Miami, his car breaks down in the summer so he takes it to a mechanic. Mechanic says check back in an hour.
The pengiuin goes down town and it is soo hot so he buys him self and ice cream. He orders a vanilla cone and starts to hed back to the mechanic. But Since he waddles akwardly, the ice cream ends up mostly on his face.
When he gets bac the mechanic walks over and informs him "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin frantically responds "No i swear its just ice cream."
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
Phoenix
|
Good ones. I've heard the penguin joke before. It's a classic. 
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
  I fly into the night, on wings of fire burning bright...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Phoenix
|
You know, a clever person could use that to never have to pay for a membership. Just Run up the down escalator, then box with the people trying to be lazy and use it to go downhill. Two workouts in one, and both free! 
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
I fly into the night, on wings of fire burning bright...
|
|
|
ReBoOt
Mean ol Swede
Team Member
Elite
   
Posts: 1294
|
lol that's what i call a fittnes center  |
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
dev/null
|
"My name is not a killing word"But Muad'Dib made it look so easy 
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
Demonwench
|
Hewhehe. Yeah, I liked that one...
There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."
The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Phoenix
|
A farmer was riding his horse along the side of the road on the way home from working in the fields, when he spotted a bullfrog frog half baked, lying in the sun up ahead. Taking pity on the poor critter, he picked him up, carried him aways to the small pond at the edge of his property, and put him in the water. The frog opened it's eyes, and looked up at the man and to his amazement, spoke to him.
"For your act of kindness, I have the power to grant you three wishes. Whatever it is your heart desires, ask and it shall be, for I am no ordinary frog, but the spirit of this land."
Amazed, the old farmer thought long and hard about what would please him most, then he said. "Alright. First, I'd like enough money so that me and me wife can live without worry to the end of our days. The frog said "Done!" The man said "Second, I'd like me and my wife to be young again, like in our twenties, so we can live for happier times that we've missed by spending all these long years toiling in the fields here. The frog again said "Done!" Last, the farmer thought, "You know, I'd like to be as well endowed as my horse back there in the, well, you know... department." The frog said "Done! Again, I thank you for your kindness, now go home. When you arise tomorrow your wishes will be granted," and he hopped away, never to be seen again.
The farmer went home to his wife, and tried to not show his excitement all that night. When they awoke in the morning, to his wife's amazement they were both as if they were twenty years old again. The cedar chest at the foot of their bed was overflowing with gold and jewels instead of moth-eaten blankets. Excited about this, the farmer remembered his third wish and went off into the bathroom to have a look at his new manhood. He stood in front of the mirror, closed his eyes, dropped his drawers, and when he opened them again, exclaimed: "OH SHIT! I RODE THE MARE!!!"
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
I fly into the night, on wings of fire burning bright...
|
|
|
|
Demonwench
|
A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds
one cold winter Evening.
They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating
there that night.
Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order With no hesitation and then paid for their meal.
The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.
There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.
He placed one half in front of the little old lady.
Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in Two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of her.
He took a sip of the drink, and then she took a sip as
The man began to eat his few bites. Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were thinking. "That poor old couple." As the old man began to eat his French fries, one young man stood and came over to the old
couples' table.
He politely offered to buy another meal. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a thing... She just sat there watching him eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat.
This time, the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.
After being politely refused again, he finally asked the Little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered, ...
"The teeth."
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
Demonwench
|
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".
The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .......
"HEBREWS"
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Demonwench
|
A young businessman was traveling cross country for his job via his overpriced luxury car, when he became thirsty in the hot summer weather. At the next small, podunk town he found a tiny grocery store. He pulled into a spot out in front. As he was pulling in, a giant truck pulled in next to him at the same time. Out steps this giant, sterotypical redneck, complete with scruffy beard, mullet, racecar cap, flannel shirt (in summer), worn spot on said shirt where the steering wheel rubs on, and gernally dusty appearance. The redneck's truck was on giant wheels, had a gun rack in the backseat with two rifles, and racecar stickers all over the place.
Feeling a little out of place, the businessman lets the redneck go first as they head to the tiny shop. When they reached the door, another vehicle pulls in. This time it's a brand new jeep. The tires are big, the car's shiney as if it'd been waxed multiple times, and there was no top. The driver stepped out of the jeep and the businessman and the redneck stared. The driver was a lovely young woman, blonde and tanned, wearing only a halter top and biker shorts.
Both the redneck and the businessman open the doors for the lady. The businessman looks up and notices that the redneck is there too, and he feels a connection. They were both men. When the lady was out of earshot, the businessman said, "Wow..."
The redneck grinned and said, "I know. Those are Eagle Tires!"
This is actually a true story...experienced by my professor.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
Demonwench
|
Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's penis.
In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate. Even before she has begun to remove her veils: *Ting-a-ling* goes the little bell...
"Oh Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your complete lack of self-control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness."
As Patrick leaves, the dancer then continues, slowly dancing around the second candidate and peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops: *Ting-a-ling* goes the bell...
"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness."
The dancer then proceeds to dance her sensuous dance around the third candidate. Slowly around him she dances, now devoid of all of her veils, but the third candidate remains unmoved.
"James, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a great priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the shower."
*Ting-a-ling* goes the bell...
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
