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Jaq
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After hours of an operations, the doctor comes out to speak to patient's husband.
- Well sir.. I have some good news for start. Your wife made it, she is alive.
The husband is obviousley happy.
- Ok, says the doctor, I still have to inform you on couple of things.
First of all that was not the only operation that is necessary. Your wife need
to have a very sophisticated operation in a highly specialistic clinic. This will
not be refunded in anyway This will cost about $25 000. But that's not all.
Your wife needs a long lasting, probably till the end of her days,
rehabilitation in very specific conditions. Of course that is also not
refundable. Monthy cost would be about $500. Also your wife, as a
a disabled person, will be needing special equipment and expensive
medicine. That would be about $450 per month. Of course it's not
refundable as well.
They're both looking at each other in silence, then the doctor says:
- Oh, I'm just joking. She is dead.
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« Last Edit: 2003-09-03, 21:51 by Jaq »
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Demonwench
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That didn't show up on my comp. What is?
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dev/null
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It's some site full of IM quotes. You can submit your own and such... There's some pretty funny stuff on there: Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
Let's see the results...
"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
"Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything
A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.
"Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
"Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "
Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls
"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"
The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.
He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.
He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.
Ok
I have found, definitive proof
that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all
"Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
O_______O
Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang
Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.
'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang. One of many... Of course, most of them are quite a bit shorter  |
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dev/null
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Q: What do you get when you mix a penguin with a nun? A: A computer that won't go down on you. That probably isn't nearly as funny as I thought it was when I first heard it  |
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Demonwench
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A fire fighter is polishing a fire engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The little girl is wearing a fire
fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look, "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied one wagon leash to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you
were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster."
The little girl pauses for a moment to think, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks up into the fireman's eyes and says...
"You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren, would I?"
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Lilazzkicker
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Three doctors are at lunch when the one doctor brings up the easiest surgery he's ever done.
Dr.#1 'Ya know, I just did an operation on an accountant and, man, was it easy. I opened him up and everthing was in numerical order, completely in balance!'
Dr.#2 chimes in 'Oh, I can top that. Electricans are the best to operate on, everything is color coordinated.'
Dr.#3 laughs and says 'I have both of you beat. The easiest operation is on a Frenchman. There are no guts, no spine, no balls and if you ever get confused...the head and ass are interchangable.'
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Lilazzkicker
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French President Jaques Chirac, tired of all of the anti-french jokes, since the start of the United States lead invasion of Iraq, has announced with great national pride that the super secret French Space Agency will send the first manned mission of three French astronauts to land, and walk on the Sun. President Chirac stated " This mission will be of historic important to the world, and restore France's rightful place in the history of the world" NASSA space scientist's, stunned at the news, asked Mr. Chirca what technology they had developed to keep the astronauts from burning up long before they reached the Sun? The French President sniffed and replied " Don't be stupid, we are going at night".
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Demonwench
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John appeared on the Irish version of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and towards the end of the programme had already won $500,000.
"You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter, "but for $1 million you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?"
"Sure," said John. "I'll have a go!"
"OK. The question is: which of the following birds does NOT build it's own nest? (a) Robin, (B) Sparrow, © cuckoo, or (d) thrush."
"I haven't got a clue," said John, "so I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Ballygoon."
John called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, John!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure, Paddy?" asked John. "I'm fookin sure."
John hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked the host.
"Dat it is, Sir."
There was a long, long pause, then the presenter sreamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! John, you've won $1 million!"
The next night, John invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did you know it was the cuckoo that doesn't build it's own nest? I mean you know fook-all about birds."
"For fooks sake!" laughed Paddy. "Everybody knows a fookin cuckoo lives in a clock!"
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Dicion
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Exactly.. All Off-topic posts have been deleted... We dont want that stuff in here
Take it to the correct area.
Thank you, and have a nice day.
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Angst
Rabid Doomer
Team Member
Elite
  
Posts: 1011
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Been awhile since I've done one of these...
There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation.
The first doctor said: "We'll just take a big hunk off the end."
They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.
The second doctor said: "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed this, and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.
The third doctor said: "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it."
They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him erection problems.
The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks.
The nurse cried: "Can't we just make his legs longer?"
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"Who says a chainsaw isn't a ranged weapon?"
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Phoenix
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After much competition,a very talented magician had just obtained a job performing on a luxury cruise ship. Each night his pet parrot interrupted and spoiled his performance by saying "It's up his sleeve", "It's in his pocket" "It's in his shoe", etc, etc. One night while performing the act, the ship's boiler blew up and the ship sank. The fortunate magician was able to grab onto one of the ship's planks, and along with his parrot, floated on the sea. The first few days that the wood drifted, the parrot just starred at the magician looking puzzled. On the 4th day the bewildered parrot looked at his master and said "I give up, what did you do with the ship?"
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  I fly into the night, on wings of fire burning bright...
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